The weather has decided to turn back to winter again. That nanosecond of "spring" has left and I'm feeling blah again. Being sick for 2 weeks is definitely wearing on me. I'm finally on the last piece of it I think. I'm feeling much better, but there's always snot in my nose that sometimes wants to come out and sometimes not. (sorry) And of course, why wouldn't Kian get a cold now too? He has way different symptoms than I had, no fever, clear runny nose, and a cough. I never had a cough, just sinus pain/pressure and severe congestion in my nose and head. Luckily, he doesn't have a fever. But not so luckily I cannot do anything for him besides the horrid nose suctioning, and humidifier. If you walked in the vicinity of my house while I suction the poor guy you would probably call the cops thinking I am murdering something. I am not. He hates the thing and I know it doesn't even hurt, it's more scary and annoying to be held down and this weird thing sucking snot out of your nose. He's strong now so I either have to half-lay on him or have Kevin help me. Ugh.

So, that with the bye-bye- Christmas blues, the 'where's the sun?' depression, and outside stressors have been making me feel quite crappy lately. Doesn't help when Kevin comes home today and says "what did you do all day?" That's a loaded question buddy! Should have learned that by now! I already feel guilty staying home and not contributing financially and I worry about the finances since Christmas and Kevin being off all November put a dip in our accounts.

Plus, sometimes I just feel plain stupid lately. Not that I am, but that everyone else thinks I am, or I'm not challenging my brain as much as I could/should. It's like stay at home mom's sit around, watching soap operas, eating cookies...and? and? Exactly. I don't watch any soaps, I only eat cookies when I make them for the household, I only sit around when I'm nursing Kian or when I take a few mins while he's sleeping to blog, email, etc. Every other minute from 8am to 10pm is filled with loading/unloading the dishwasher, laundry, folding, putting clothes away, sweeping, mopping, putting toys away, paying bills, grocery shopping, baking, cooking, shoveling, making calls/appts, and so many other numerous things.

I have begun looking at the classifieds to see what part-time jobs are out there. None, if you're wondering. So, unless I want to work at daycare, wal-mart or cold-call sales, I have no idea! I thought job hunting was bad after college, with a degree. But, now my BS psych degree is just that-BS! And employers look poorly upon women who take time off for children. So who knows what I"ll end up really doing.

Then there's the 'make you feel like a bad mommy' files. Between babywise, the crunchy granola mommies and all in between, there's so many "do's and do nots" and everyone has an opinion and mine is always wrong. I thought I was the expert on my child, but apparently not. So, am I a failure because I sometimes rock my child to sleep and he doesn't always sleep through the night yet; or am I a failure because he's not always attached to me in my sling and he sometimes fusses before he falls asleep or before I can get to him? You can't win in this society. And since he decided to only take tiny cat naps today, he's teething again, sick and miserable, I'm really feeling bad at this mommy stuff.

What's a mom to do? I'd like to take a steaming cup of tea and a blanket on the couch to watch Saved By the Bell reruns or Baby Story until ten o'clock tonight. But we all know that ain't gonna happen. Mostly because my cranberry-oatmeal cookies are almost done, the fish isn't going to broil itself and Kian wants to nurse. And to think yesterday I said I missed being pregnant (I do) and told Kevin Kian was going to get a sister soon (soon but not that soon). Ahh yes. But after Kian's in bed tonight, maybe I just will uncork that bottle of wine and skip around TV to find some reruns to make me laugh...


Rachel said...

What? SAHMs don't sit around and do nothing all day?? :)

I go through the same issues. We all do. I always have something creative going on or else I feel like I'm going insane. Find a little something you can do for you. We still have brains! Must find a way to use them!

Monkey Monkey Monkey said...

Holy crap where do I start?! I have to think about this.