These last 7 or 8 days have been a roller coaster, emotionally charged, full of activity. First of all, the bottom of this is work. It's highly stressful right now. We are at full capacity-ie that state limit for caseloads. Which means I have 60 cases of children who need a million things, which there is very little of at this time. And I have to turn in 56 of those cases for reviews by the end of the month. It's just very strenuous, physically-travelling to all those homes, and mentally.
Then, Kian got sick and every parent knows that feeling. You can't quite figure out what is wrong, they can't tell you yet, but they feel awful and look awful and it makes you feel awful. I always hold off running to the doctor's office because I don't want to be one of those moms, especially with all the common viruses going around, plus it's $25 every time and that adds up. Then I feel guilty when something does show up, that I didn't take him sooner. I'm not a neurotic, paranoid mom about sicknesses and things (just healthy eating).
Even at home it's been tiring trying to keep up with laundry, regular chores, good meals, and we've been gardening and planting lately, trying to be outside more. It's good, just busy. Thank goodness for the hot tub and long walks.
And of course the most exciting news is baby Grant arrived, and I get to be an aunt now. How fun will that be? Surprisingly, it was a lot more emotional for me than I expected. Excited and happy for them, for us, for Kian to have a playmate. Happy to have this little guy here to love on. Walking into the hospital brought back so many memories, it wasn't really that long ago I was there. Those same feelings, incredible, instant love, nervousness, the giddiness, the tiredness, and how they'll feel the same. It also made me remember every detail of Kian's birth and how small he was and how amazing it was. It made me sad that it's gone by so fast, that he's gotten so big already. Made me realize I want more babies soon so I can have that small, snuggly baby again. Because with all the new grandparents around here I won't get to touch baby Grant until he's about 8 months old, if I'm lucky. And I was kind of surprised that even though I love Elissa and Paul and were so excited for them to have this baby I was anticipating him a lot too and ready to love him. It's craziness. Mmm babies.
I've also been realizing recently how much time Kevin and I haven't spent alone lately. Somewhat by choice, but life happens, and there's always things to take care of and do. With working all day, all week, I feel guilty and want to spend as much time with Kian as I can too. And let's just be honest, I am paranoid about who, where, when, how I leave him. The center has rules, regulations, cameras, supervisors, strict written orders, etc. Casual sitters, even family members do not. and I honestly worry about people doing what I ask, I feel they'll do the "she's out of sight, let's do whatever" kind of thing. Kian has only been driven by Kevin or I in either of our cars. No one else has ever driven him anywhere, especially without us. I don't trust many people driving so I really don't want people driving him anywhere. But we'll figure some things out. Certain people I can "boss" around more and know that they'll do what I want while watching him, ahem my sister, and Elissa was a great "sitter" but she's out of commission for awhile.
But driving home this afternoon, anxious in the construction induced traffic to get my baby, I just was thinking of all the things going on in the last week or so. How it just seems to be an emotional roller coaster and so busy each day. It's not necessarily a bad thing, and putting a label on those emotions and airing them definitely helps. It just seems there's always someone wanting something and everyone wants their share 5 minutes ago. Can't please everyone and I don't even bother trying anymore (I used to just try to please everyone in the world, before and above myself-I learned my lesson) I just do what I can do and do my best at it, and that's that.
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