Grading day: Fail

Sigh. Big, huge sigh.

I think I have a big, fat F- stamped on my head right now. I just have been "failing" at a lot lately. I feel like I"m failing. I feel like a failure. I'm not...right?

It's like every time I get over one hump, there's another one. Yes, I know, that's life. But, from the one who doesn't do change well, it's a heck of a lot of change in the last few months. Yes, good change too!

Karter...oh, Karter. I know that so many other parents are battling serious issues with their children. I know that Karter is happy, he's growing (at his own ridiculous pace) he's smart, he's cute, he's mostly healthy in a general sense. But, I also know there's something going on inside his stomach or digestive tract that is out of wack. I know we're dealing with some chronic characteristics I just want to find an answer for. Does it impact us majorly, daily? Sometimes, mostly not, but at times. Great answer, huh? I won't go into details because i have done that often enough.

But, he had another another 'bug' this week, fever, throwing up, generally feeling like garbage as he exhibited by screaming non-stop several hours a day and not sleeping and not letting me put him down for anything. And I mean anything. This is wearing, like grating on nerves, irritating, especially on no sleep. Especially with a healthy, rambunctious, wanting your attention too, child.

So, I did what any loving, kind, caring, sane, perfect mother would do...I yelled, I threatened, I hid in the bathroom, swatted, growled and even stomped my feet. Sigh. And, I gave up and cried too. A million Lego pieces scattered on the carpet (the tiny ones, and yes a million) dirty dishes from 2 days, 6 loads of laundry done with one (non-dominant) hand due to said child not being put down, loading the dishwasher with a hand and a knee, being climbed on by feeling-well child....I couldn't take it anymore. When you can't beat 'em, join 'em, right?

When you can't 'fix' your child and make them feel better, when you can't keep up on the housework, when you can't give the attention you want to give, when one suffers because the other needs you 'more', when you barely say hi to your husband and you tell everyone to fend for themselves for dinner...yeah, I get an F. F for failure.

Why can't I figure out what is really causing Karter's issues? Why can't I make him feel better and get the laundry done? Why can't I spend one on one time with Kian and mop the floor? Why can't I be more pleasant to my husband who's had a long day at work for us but I'm so tired I can't even think of a nice thing to say? Fail. Epic fail.

I know that I am not a failure. I know in the grand scheme of things, these couple days, hopefully, won't be remembered. I know we'll all survive. But, in the moment, it sucks. I suck. I feel like people think I'm making a big deal out of nothing with Karter. I sometimes think there's nothing wrong with him, he's just small. But, then another round of stomach ailments that no one else in the house has and I know something's going on. I think people hate me. I think people think I'm a "know it all" and act like a stuck up mom. I really don't try to be. I like to read and research and learn things so when I find out interesting info and things that seem to be important or detrimental to health I like to share them. I have no intention of gloating about my kids' latest accomplishments except that it excites me, and I want to have record of these things. I don't do it to make another parent feel bad if they're child isn't doing such and such, and we all know I'm openly sharing my frustrations and concerns about Karter as well as challenges with Kian.

See, there you have it. Transparent. I suck sometimes. Thankfully, a friend reminded me the other day that I do not suck. I am not a failure. That God doesn't think I'm a failure and those thoughts are not from him. It's okay to feel the things I am feeling. It was nice to feel validated. And to just be encouraged, especially from someone who is dealing with medical issues with her own child, more intense than Karter's. (Say a prayer for Jordan!) God gave me these kids and He will help me raise them, even when I do suck! =)




I now channel Miley Cyrus:

I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaken

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa

Obsessed with success

Who isn't really? I'm not really a perfectionist, but I am in the way that if I can't complete something how I want to, how it should be, so it's just right, I give up. I don't need to do everything, all the time perfectly but some things. And, so it is with kids.

I have a constant struggle inside of me to either have perfect looking kids on the outside, or "who cares if they're a bit dirty with messy hair", daily, even when going out. It's continuous conflict in wanting them to succeed, in wanting to look like the perfect parent, but to live real life. I look around and see the obsession with success. It's everywhere. Kids are even feeling it. Kian tells me "I can't" before he even tries. I told him it's okay if we don't get it the first or even 10th time. It's a strange dynamic for sure, because there are times I (regretfully so) even want him to experience failure, not winning, as much as I do the successes and wins.

This morning Karter was playing with the (we've all seen it) plastic bottle of milk that you drop the cookies in the slot on the top. He was having trouble with it, mostly because of the way it was turned. Part of me wanted to just turn it and show him how to push them in again. Part of me wanted to see what he could figure out. Guess what? After a few tries, he rearranged his hands and the bottle and did it. This happened several times after it was full and he would dump them out again. He smiled each time he got it and clapped a few times.

So often we jump in and do for our kids before they can even do for themselves. Without thinking, we are robbing them of great skill, brain connection, creativity, problem-solving and pride. All too often I see moms putting that toy back in the child's reach, pulling the toy out of the box, getting them on and off the couch, reaching something they can't, etc. Yes, there is a time for that, but Stop! Sometimes it's okay if they get frustrated and fuss (yes even the little infants, that's how they figure out how to roll and crawl!). It's okay to not succeed every time. For it is in the failures that we truly learn what we need to do to succeed.

It is an opportunity to build a child's esteem, for practicing skills (hello, language? I talk my kids through almost everything, give them words to use -help, please, open, down, blue, in, etc.--as well as motor skills practice). It lets them conquer something. It allows us to stand back, watch what we teach in action. To bite our tongues, see the authentic child for who he is, not who we want him to be or think he should be and a chance for the child to see we will be their biggest cheerleader and supporter whether they succeed, or fail, because they will sometimes. Just like us, and that's okay.

I also see this in my life and when things happen I ask why, I ask why didn't someone or God stop it, or step in? Because, sometimes we just need to fall. Sometimes it's in the picking ourselves up that creates those unforgettable, life-changing moments.