Just shut up already, or alternately titled: Less is more

I started this blog as an updater of sorts, to keep up with family and friends that were spread all around. To also keep updates of Kian, and then Karter, for my own sake as well as theirs. To share pictures. To share information and recipes and research and whatever. But, lately I'm feeling I've gone too far. I'm using it as a personal journal and things are getting bigger than I intended. Not bigger in a good sense. Bigger, I guess, meaning, more out there, things that the world doesn't always need to know. I do like to show how I am growing and changing and learning as a person, a wife, a mother, and so on. But, sometimes, less is just more. Sometimes I need to just shut up.

I don't try to outdo anyone. I don't try to make myself look amazing and awesome. I don't want people to think that I'm trying to show off my kids and make others' feel discouraged or anything. I don't want everyone to go run out and do what I say when I post something. I don't expect people to always agree with me. I know I have some alternative views and different ideas and thinking and ways of doing things. I don't post car seat information or breastfeeding information to make others' feel bad or guilty. I post things I am passionate about in hopes that I share some insight or research or information others might not have heard or read about yet. I post things to maybe help the health and safety of others and children. I post things because I love to keep learning. I love to keep reading new things and finding new ways.

But, I'm feeling convicted lately to be less to be more. Be less to be more. I don't quite get it yet. I am putting my head around it. I think I see how it's going. I think less talk, more action. I think I need to step back. I need to put first things first. I need to reorganize and prioritize some things. So, facebook statuses and updates and blog posts might be minimized or less personal, I don't exactly know yet how it will look. I just know I need to find some more balance and perfect the art of not showing all my cards or spilling all the beans or think harder about how I might come across to others, even though I know my intent was good. So, I'll be figuring out how to be less to be more...

30 for 30?

Had the most awesome idea today...talk about making history! I'll be turning 30 in May. Unlike the rest of the world I"m not really "freaking out" that I'm turning 30. I don't feel any older, and most days I still feel like I look like I'm too young instead of old enough (like I still look like a college kid instead of a mom with 2 of her own kids...could be the sweats and glasses somedays? no?) Anyways...it's more like awe that I am really 3 decades old. I mean, I feel the same as I did at 18. My body, except for the obvious baby-producing areas, remains much in the same as it was at that age, some areas even better, some not so much...but nothing broken, no gray hairs, (probably some wrinkles, but i got complemented on my skin's elasticity a few weeks ago haha) no aches in my back--except while pregnant, etc.

Well, anyway, the point is...I have been reading all my friends' posts about turning the big 3-0 and some are totally hating it, some are embracing it, some don't care. But, along with this whole making history theme I've got going here, I want to make this birthday make history. No, I don't mean by the biggest bash and getting drunker than Charlie Sheen and not remembering my name in the morning and losing lots of cash in slots. I dislike being the center of attention (showers and birthdays make me uncomfortable, too much focus on me and I feel greedy) so I don't want ME to be celebrated. But, in honor of me being 3 decades old soon, I thought well, GIVE! Give back, give it away. Instead of asking for the same boring household items I always ask for (cookie sheets, towels, gift card for new shirts...yawn) why not ask people, no tell them, to not give me a gift. Instead, give the world a gift!

I want to have donations made in my name or just given to some charities and feel like something worthwhile is being done, lives are being changed. I appreciate gifts, I do, but adult gifts are boring. It's really hard thinking of things to ask for anymore. I hate asking anyways, I usually wait until people have bugged me a billion times. ;) So, I started looking into some charities/organizations...one I'm really interested in is Compassion International. They have several programs besides just the sponsor a child section, which is really cool too and something the boys could become involved in, communicating back and forth.

Then, a bigger, better idea hit me! What if I could line up 30 charities for my 30th birthday? Yes 30. If I post my ideas and my developments on facebook and my blog, perhaps I could get others to join in with me. And I don't necessarily mean huge gifts, but heck, ten bucks per charity is something! So, perhaps it's a bit out there, but I'm going to do some research and I have about 6 in mind already and I'll keep y'all updated... thinking BIG here. Enough about ME. History is in the making...

Updates and resolutions (long!)

So we're waiting for the big storm to hit tomorrow. Fun. Kevin's taking the day off since he doesn't have a lot of clients and the early ones will probably cancel because they won't be driving at 6am in a monster storm to workout. And if they do, they're nuts!

Karter's feeling better from the strep. No idea how he got strep throat. None of us got it, or even felt remotely sick, nary a scratchy throat. (I just try to throw special words in there sometimes.) Grocery cart? Museum toys? Something. But with every 'setback' we must regain ground. Grr. Now he's been on prevacid for just over 2 weeks and the only difference that I see is that he now wants to eat every 2-4 hours, around the clock! Yes at night he is asking to eat again. Double grr! I had him sleeping longer stretches and weaned at night for about a week or so and then sickness and meds entered the picture. Now we're back to square one. I try to feed him a lot during the day, but I think with the slightly delayed gastric emptying, he can only take in so much. He tends to want to graze a lot, which is fine and I let him, but do try to also get some good, full meals in. Still, we only get about one good meal a day. And about 3 hours of sleep at a time; with the few days being awake for 3 or so hours in the middle of the night. My body just has learned to run on autopilot.

Kian...oh Kian. He's like Jekyll and Hyde these days. Partly because of Karter demanding so much attention while sick, and partly his age. He can be so sweet and charming and funny, and then he's punching the dog, hissing at the cat, pushing Karter over. Couple that with no sleep and things can get pretty hair around here for me.

I've been having some revelations lately. Like, when I don't get to church regularly, I get more annoyed and irritable. I need that peace and encouragement. Now, we just have to decide what to do about churches. We love The Father's House, but 45 minutes is a heck of a haul and that ends up taking all day for one service. I feel like there's not a ton of choices around here, as to my criteria, (spoiled by the awesomeness of that church and all it offers) but, I want to connect with couples and moms and families in this area for us and the boys. We definitely need that.

Another thing is that I realized I have been on autopilot. I've been going through the motions. Not always in a good way. I get up when I have to, I feed them when they're hungry, I do the housekeeping that needs to be done. But, I was getting kind of depressed about it. Not like clinically, I need help and meds depressed, but blues and blahs. I was missing things about Rochester, I was missing work and my friends at work (who'd have thought?!). I was feeling useless. Feeling like whatever I was doing just wasn't much, or good enough. I know that it's not true. Maybe I do less or more, in some areas, than other moms. Maybe I am not making a difference to the town or world right now, but I am making a difference to these 2 little boys, my home, my husband. And that is my job right now. I forgot. Or something... But, I have a renewed focus to put my all into what I am called to do right now. To not just try to get the days to go by as quickly as I can, to not just get to nap time or dinner time or bedtime as fast as possible. To really pay attention.

Kevin wrote "2011 resolutions" on our white erase board on the fridge, with all of our names. Of course eating healthy and exercising more topped my list. Followed by "be more patient" and "be in the moment". Yes, I am just needing to be in the moment. Instead of trying to constantly think ahead, look ahead, hurry things up, I just need to 'be'. Also, I am realizing I'm thinking too much. I have fallen in that trap of comparing myself to other moms, my kids to other kids, etc. It's not a fun place to be. I worry enough about my own kids or have enough challenges to deal with besides comparing them to everyone else, or myself to any other mom. I make no apologies for who I am, (which is quite the opposite of who I used to be, always saying sorry and fading into the background. My friend used to tease me that I said sorry to doors I bumped into.) I don't really feel like I need to make apologies for who my kids are (unless they are doing something obviously inappropriate and wrong, of course) but sometimes inside my head I was making lists of things I sucked at, my kids needed to do better, or things I did better than other moms and things my kids already did/knew. So terrible. I just want to chuck it all and be in the moment with my boys and my husband and be more relaxed.

Speaking of relaxed...knowing I didn't sleep all weekend thanks to Karter, and Kevin taking off on Friday night for a work function and all day Sunday for ice fishing (sigh); he was super sweet to hook me up with his client and their salon school for a facial (which included neck/shoulder massage), manicure and pedicure Monday afternoon. All while he stayed home with the boys. How awesome was that? Super. Fantastic. So relaxing, so nice to be pampered and spoiled and feel girly again. Made me realize too, that I am in charge of making myself feel good or pampered sometimes. I can't just expect Kevin to read my mind and do things. I can tell him I want 15 minutes to paint my nails or something though. Those little things make me feel more feminine in this testosterone house, that give me a quick pick-me-up on the rough days.

I've also picked up something again, that I haven't in a long time. Reading my Bible. Yep. Go to church, check. Listen to Christian music, check. Look up a verse or two here and there, check. But, I haven't really read my Bible in quite awhile. Before Karter was born, I kept it right near the kitchen table and during breakfast with Kian before work I'd read some. Most days, he asked me to read it to him. Sometimes I'd find a parable in the New Testament, or Daniel in the lions' den for him, or just read whatever I was reading, and he really enjoyed it. We have begun implementing a boys' "warrior devotional" book at breakfast again for the boys.

This is showing me something else, that I need to have a plan for my family. A plan for my marriage, a plan for my kids, for my parenting. What? Sounds dumb you say? But, it's not. Otherwise, we're all just walking around blindly, from day to day, going through the motions, what's our point? It doesn't have to be huge, but it can be. For example, in my parenting I want to raise children who are respectful (one struggle lately!), responsible (contributing to society in some way) and who have good values and morals and live their lives in tune with God. I haven't thought much about a 'marriage plan' before, except the usual: get married, have jobs, buy house, have kids, etc. But, I want more out of it. I have been thinking lately, it doesn't have to be tangible, like my parenting goals, it can be emotions and ways of acting. Completely honest, and it might be tough for some to hear, but I want to break this legacy of divorce. It's all too common and some don't think it's a big deal, but knowing that the last 3 generations of my families have been divorced (admittedly, having 4 sets of grandparents was cool). I just want to break that cycle. I want to grow old with my husband, my first and only. I want us to have great communication (like all, we could do better in this area!). I want to share goals and support each other in opportunities and keep those feelings alive. It's work. I know. Sometimes it's easy, sometimes it's really difficult.

I'm learning I need to not think as much, not talk as much, be happy in the silence. Which is funny, because somedays that's all I'm trying to get--silence! Content in the moment. It's strange, I'm not big in material things, I don't really want material things. I want certain behaviors, emotions, actions, expectations...things that are hard to grasp and hold onto and yet so important. I need to feel more centered instead of like a pendulum, wildly swinging from side to side on some days. To focus on me some more instead of being the martyr mom, to put more effort into God and spiritual things, to laugh more with my kids instead of thinking about the noise level, to take my happiness up another level. To take back control instead of letting the world control me. And, to lose the last 5 lbs I want to lose! Here's to a happy, healthier, new year and new me!

Grading day: Fail

Sigh. Big, huge sigh.

I think I have a big, fat F- stamped on my head right now. I just have been "failing" at a lot lately. I feel like I"m failing. I feel like a failure. I'm not...right?

It's like every time I get over one hump, there's another one. Yes, I know, that's life. But, from the one who doesn't do change well, it's a heck of a lot of change in the last few months. Yes, good change too!

Karter...oh, Karter. I know that so many other parents are battling serious issues with their children. I know that Karter is happy, he's growing (at his own ridiculous pace) he's smart, he's cute, he's mostly healthy in a general sense. But, I also know there's something going on inside his stomach or digestive tract that is out of wack. I know we're dealing with some chronic characteristics I just want to find an answer for. Does it impact us majorly, daily? Sometimes, mostly not, but at times. Great answer, huh? I won't go into details because i have done that often enough.

But, he had another another 'bug' this week, fever, throwing up, generally feeling like garbage as he exhibited by screaming non-stop several hours a day and not sleeping and not letting me put him down for anything. And I mean anything. This is wearing, like grating on nerves, irritating, especially on no sleep. Especially with a healthy, rambunctious, wanting your attention too, child.

So, I did what any loving, kind, caring, sane, perfect mother would do...I yelled, I threatened, I hid in the bathroom, swatted, growled and even stomped my feet. Sigh. And, I gave up and cried too. A million Lego pieces scattered on the carpet (the tiny ones, and yes a million) dirty dishes from 2 days, 6 loads of laundry done with one (non-dominant) hand due to said child not being put down, loading the dishwasher with a hand and a knee, being climbed on by feeling-well child....I couldn't take it anymore. When you can't beat 'em, join 'em, right?

When you can't 'fix' your child and make them feel better, when you can't keep up on the housework, when you can't give the attention you want to give, when one suffers because the other needs you 'more', when you barely say hi to your husband and you tell everyone to fend for themselves for dinner...yeah, I get an F. F for failure.

Why can't I figure out what is really causing Karter's issues? Why can't I make him feel better and get the laundry done? Why can't I spend one on one time with Kian and mop the floor? Why can't I be more pleasant to my husband who's had a long day at work for us but I'm so tired I can't even think of a nice thing to say? Fail. Epic fail.

I know that I am not a failure. I know in the grand scheme of things, these couple days, hopefully, won't be remembered. I know we'll all survive. But, in the moment, it sucks. I suck. I feel like people think I'm making a big deal out of nothing with Karter. I sometimes think there's nothing wrong with him, he's just small. But, then another round of stomach ailments that no one else in the house has and I know something's going on. I think people hate me. I think people think I'm a "know it all" and act like a stuck up mom. I really don't try to be. I like to read and research and learn things so when I find out interesting info and things that seem to be important or detrimental to health I like to share them. I have no intention of gloating about my kids' latest accomplishments except that it excites me, and I want to have record of these things. I don't do it to make another parent feel bad if they're child isn't doing such and such, and we all know I'm openly sharing my frustrations and concerns about Karter as well as challenges with Kian.

See, there you have it. Transparent. I suck sometimes. Thankfully, a friend reminded me the other day that I do not suck. I am not a failure. That God doesn't think I'm a failure and those thoughts are not from him. It's okay to feel the things I am feeling. It was nice to feel validated. And to just be encouraged, especially from someone who is dealing with medical issues with her own child, more intense than Karter's. (Say a prayer for Jordan!) God gave me these kids and He will help me raise them, even when I do suck! =)




I now channel Miley Cyrus:

I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaken

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa

A breather please

Whoa. Hold on just a minute. I need to sit down. No, nothing crazy, no exciting news. I just need to find a chair and relax for a bit. I haven't stopped in the last month and a half, baking, visiting, hosting, holidays, parties, crafts, cleaning, mopping, washing, shopping, wrapping, decorating, cooking, frosting, mailing, who knows what else. I've done so much, thought about everything, got things for everyone and thought about everyone, except me. In all the hustle and bustle, I forgot about me.

The holidays were great, amazing really. I couldn't have asked for a better Christmas. It was really, truly, joyful, happy, calm, (well- a little chaotic with kids and gifts, but you know) just enjoyable. So much I had hoped for, but was afraid to ask for. Everyone was happy, (well until they started throwing up the next day) and it was probably the best I could ask for after all the changes we've all endured the last few years. It was sincere. It wasn't pretending that it was how it used to be. It was taking it as it was and just enjoying the day, the season, the people, the gifts, the food (until that food came back up 12 hours later I suppose, hehe).
*Somehow 3 of 10 people we saw Christmas eve, got sick, along with 5 of the 12 we were with on Christmas day, got sick throwing up the following day. But, we did not. And no, I did not poison the food!*

I am, by nature, a "giver", a "doer", a "helper", so I want to, really want to, give. Be it in forms of cooking, cleaning, hosting, gifts, something that makes that person think, or just feel, thought of, or noticed, or taken care of. And I truly enjoy finding gifts and ways to make people feel that way. Throw a party for everyone and make food, taking days to shop and wrap and feed you all I got? No problem, love it. Until...I'm dead on my feet. Until it's over. Until I feel "gived out" (the past tense Kian prefers). And, then I don't know how to convey that. I get antsy, I get claustrophobic, I get irritable. I want my house and my house only and no one else in it. It's my refreshing time. Some people get refilled by being out and about and with other people. Not me, I get my refilling and refueling by being in my house with just my little family and not having to answer anything or do anything. Of course, then I feel lazy and start doing things around the house....I just can't stop.

I have a problem getting Kevin to understand it. He does the homebody and the social butterfly equally well. He has no problem having company or going somewhere and doing things every single day of the week. Sometimes twice a day. I do. We';re different in how we recharge. He gets annoyed at me, and I get mad at him for not letting me just be, just stay home, just not have people around. Tomorrow will be the first day in over 2 weeks, that we will not have company or somewhere to go. Two weeks. Every day for about 16 days, people here, some place or function to be at. It's making me batty, I was starting to get a tic last night until Savannah brought me a bottle of Strawberry Arbor mist! I'm so thankful I can just have that day tomorrow. Nothingness. Playing with Christmas toys. Enjoying the last few days of the Christmas tree. Reading the paper. Eating leftovers yet again. Possibly even savoring that last glass of wine in the bottle...

Today, we took down most of the Christmas decorations. I hate to see them go, but at the same time I'm ready. I can only handle so much garland drooping yet again, so many knocked over tin snowmen, so many nativity pieces losing heads or ears and finding little glass lambs in my baking cupboards, Mary under Karter's crib, ornament hooks in my sock...you know what I'm talking about. I'm also trying to think of ways to fit in more time for myself this year. It's not easy, I feel guilty doing things for myself. The most I've really done is take that boxing class over the summer. How I miss it. I hate spending money on myself, I hate feeling indulgent... Is it a firstborn thing? Is it a me thing? How do I balance it? I have no problem buying and doing for others, why not myself? Seems selfish I think. But, I'm seeing that when I don't take that time, I get anxious and irritable and I lose my patience and I'm no good for my family. When I don't just splurge a bit and buy the stupid jeans that actually fit me, instead of being miserable pulling and hiking up the ones that are too big, complaining all the while, I actually feel better about myself and my attitude changes.

We've also realized how little time Kevin and I have made for each other in the last year. The guilt thing again, I tell ya. Of course it's more challenging when you're nursing a baby, you can squeeze in short amounts of away time. Now that Karter is older, even though he's still very much a mama's boy, I can get away for a bit. It's the sitter part that was holding us up, but I think I've now found one and can't wait to use some of the gift cards Kevin received from his clients. So lovely of them, we'll have a few nice dinners thanks to them! That's when we start getting crabby with each other. It's good we're realizing this, yes, and working on ways to prevent meltdowns with each other or the kids or whatever. It's just never easy. But, we're also seeing the reasons for vacations and downtime and I think we'll be planning something this summer that is more than just a weekend thing. It will be good for all of us.

So...here's to a new year. A new year of realness, of being in the moment; of enjoying life; of not letting life pass me by while I'm busy washing another pot or floor or worrying about refilling the food instead of enjoying my friends, family and company. A new way of being. A new sincerity in every aspect of my life--my family, my kids, my husband, myself!, my health (exercise!), my faith. Worry less, hold onto less negative and hold onto more positive, inhale life instead of exhaling with so many sighs. To not put off for tomorrow, what I should be enjoying today. I hope you do too.

Obsessed with success

Who isn't really? I'm not really a perfectionist, but I am in the way that if I can't complete something how I want to, how it should be, so it's just right, I give up. I don't need to do everything, all the time perfectly but some things. And, so it is with kids.

I have a constant struggle inside of me to either have perfect looking kids on the outside, or "who cares if they're a bit dirty with messy hair", daily, even when going out. It's continuous conflict in wanting them to succeed, in wanting to look like the perfect parent, but to live real life. I look around and see the obsession with success. It's everywhere. Kids are even feeling it. Kian tells me "I can't" before he even tries. I told him it's okay if we don't get it the first or even 10th time. It's a strange dynamic for sure, because there are times I (regretfully so) even want him to experience failure, not winning, as much as I do the successes and wins.

This morning Karter was playing with the (we've all seen it) plastic bottle of milk that you drop the cookies in the slot on the top. He was having trouble with it, mostly because of the way it was turned. Part of me wanted to just turn it and show him how to push them in again. Part of me wanted to see what he could figure out. Guess what? After a few tries, he rearranged his hands and the bottle and did it. This happened several times after it was full and he would dump them out again. He smiled each time he got it and clapped a few times.

So often we jump in and do for our kids before they can even do for themselves. Without thinking, we are robbing them of great skill, brain connection, creativity, problem-solving and pride. All too often I see moms putting that toy back in the child's reach, pulling the toy out of the box, getting them on and off the couch, reaching something they can't, etc. Yes, there is a time for that, but Stop! Sometimes it's okay if they get frustrated and fuss (yes even the little infants, that's how they figure out how to roll and crawl!). It's okay to not succeed every time. For it is in the failures that we truly learn what we need to do to succeed.

It is an opportunity to build a child's esteem, for practicing skills (hello, language? I talk my kids through almost everything, give them words to use -help, please, open, down, blue, in, etc.--as well as motor skills practice). It lets them conquer something. It allows us to stand back, watch what we teach in action. To bite our tongues, see the authentic child for who he is, not who we want him to be or think he should be and a chance for the child to see we will be their biggest cheerleader and supporter whether they succeed, or fail, because they will sometimes. Just like us, and that's okay.

I also see this in my life and when things happen I ask why, I ask why didn't someone or God stop it, or step in? Because, sometimes we just need to fall. Sometimes it's in the picking ourselves up that creates those unforgettable, life-changing moments.

alone in my head, alone in my parenting

This year I've done a lot of growing about me, emotionally and personally and learning myself and it's been refreshing. I thought I was secure in who I was as a mother too, but lately I'm finding not so much. Or rather I am secure and happy with how I parent and the choices I make for my kids, but it's a lonely path.

I'm going to be completely transparent here-sometimes it just plain sucks. I often feel I'm the island floating along all alone in this great big ocean of mainstream parents. It's especially hard around friends and family who have very different focuses in their parenting and child-raising. It makes my child look like the holy terror, the Tasmanian devil, because he acts like a normal child. Huh? Exactly!

Kian is a boy, through and through. There's mud, there's bruises and scrapes. There's loudness and whirlwinds of activity. I curb it at the appropriate places but other times I just let it go. It's who he is, it's typical child development, it's good for him, it's realistic and normal. But, I get tired of those who still think "children should be seen and not heard" or those whose children are so perfect that they sit still and quietly play with an activity for long periods of time, those who dare swat my child because they're tired of the "childishness", or that my child isn't "educated" enough because I don't spend insane amounts of time drilling things in his head, and on and on it goes... And guess what, now it's times two with Karter toddling around acting all boy.

I know I'm alone mostly in my choices to not vaccinate and not dope my kids full of drugs at the slightest sniffle. I know I'm alone at times in my "weird" healthy food choices. (My sister opened my fridge yesterday and asked what we could make for lunch with almond milk, wheat germ and probiotic powder and avocado since that's all I had in my fridge. hehe) But, it's the "better than thou" attitude that I feel I get. It's those vibes that I'm doing something wrong, or my kids are "bad" or I'm a bad parent because of one or all of those things. Mostly I just grin and bear it, because it's my choice and my cross to bear, but other times it just sends me over the edge.

What do I care about? Healthy eating, safety without inhibition, raising respectful, caring, contributing, citizens who have a healthy imagination and creativity abounding by not being hindered or tethered down to desk learning, who think outside the box and enjoy physical activity and are thinking of others and have good morals and values. So, I guess I shouldn't really care about what others think of me and my kids and my parenting style...but sometimes it does. I know that all that should matter is that Kevin and I agree and my kids are happy and healthy. But sometimes, it's just hard to be places and with people who don't agree or where I can see obvious disdain and annoyance on their faces.

Thankfully I've hooked up with an email group who has similar ideas as I do, but have yet to meet them in person. It's just hard when Kian begs and cries for kids to play with and his choices are so limited. So, I shall be stretching myself even further and going where it's uncomfortable for me to go, so that he has what he needs and wants. And yes, he can play with whoever, regardless of parenting styles but sometimes it limits the play and things that can go on because of the differences in styles and what the other child is allowed to do, or how Kian can act and do at their home, etc.

So, once again, I find another stormy sea to navigate with my kids and hope that it ends up in the good place again. Parenting is just one big roller coaster of twists and jumps and dives and hills, seemingly a breeze at times and obviously a teeth-gritting challenge at times. I know we all have different styles but I'm just tired of getting the "she's the weird, wacky one" eye. Oh well.
I'll be alone in my parenting as long as my kids are healthy and happy.




ps since my computer is dead, I can't upload any photos yet, boo!

Another week, another blog

We had quite the eventful weekend, rather busy and now I'm rather tired. But instead of resting while the boys nap, I am blogging and folding laundry. The joys of mother and wife-hood.

I convinced Jon to try our boxing class with us (Kevin's still holding out, but he's going Tuesday, no more games!) and all it took was one hour of intense workout, some punching and a hot teacher and he's hooked. Signed up the next day. Ha! It's amazing, I love it, and I have to figure out how to continue when we move!

Friday was the stickiest, hottest, muggiest day all summer. Literally, you walked outside one step and were drenched. It rained off and on and each time became muggier than before it rained. I ran Finn in some wooded trails for 20 minutes at Kevin's parents' house and had to wipe off with some paper towels before I could sit down and eat. We enjoyed some chicken barbecue with all the baby cousins playing-that was fun. Also stressful because the cats and dog joined us. Why? Because someone who had come to Sunday's open house wanted to return with their realtor that night. Yay! But, it's a royal pain loading up kids, cats, dog, crates, food, litterbox, etc. so that someone can view the house (and as of yet, not put an offer in!). Many thanks to Kevin's parents who let us turn their house into a pet hotel and daycare for a couple hours every time!

We're still waiting to hear if these people are interested, since it's their second look at the house. Our realtor called and told Kevin they really like the house and yard but just haven't decided if they want to put an offer in. Well, heck, just do it and we'll negotiate. Just buy the stinkin' house! Kevin asked if it would be weird if he could find out who they were, talk to them and entice them. I said yes. haha.

Saturday, we all woke up at 5:30 am to bring Kevin to the airport to go to the Yankees game. He took his friend instead of me, and it was probably for the best, when all said and done. There was no figuring out kids and schedules and etc. We would have driven, but his friend had some fliers miles I guess. And add in the fact it was like 100 degrees there all weekend, he wasn't even that thrilled. Kian loved watching the planes take off.

So, the boys and I spent the weekend alone. My first time sleeping alone in this house, and really, I don't remember barely being away from Kevin overnight. Maybe once or twice I went somewhere with family? But, I can't recall. Pathetic I know. We went to the farmer's market, Wegmans, and then took 3-4 hour naps (boys, not me, I only slept one blessed hour) and it poured and thundered the rest of the day/night. Kian and I ate naughty peanut butter sundaes and watched The Bee Movie. (It was alright.)

Yesterday, we went to church and Kian is so enjoying the fact that after service the last month they have bounce houses up. He loves them. So we always spend a bit afterwards playing on them. Then Kian and I made peanut butter chocolate chip oatmeal cookies, and chocolate chip banana muffins and bread. Whew. The boys were so excited when Kevin got home and of course thrilled with presents. Yeah, I don't know how single mamas do it. Maybe if kids were older, to do things for themselves, but man it'd be tough to do it alone all the time with toddlers! Thankful Kevin comes home every night and I get some help, even if it's not exactly the way I want it done, or whatever, at least it's something!

Friday morning I took Karter back to the ped for a weight check. (Now, let me insert here that they do not use the breastfed growth chart, suggested by the World Health Organization!) It was obvious he'd gained some weight back, and I also wanted a re-check of his height. At his 9 month they showed he only grew like .25 or .5 inch since 6 months which I knew wasn't right. (That's what you get when you lay babies on the table to measure them while they wiggle.) Lo and behold he's gained a pound and a half in one month! He's up to 17-8. I think that put him back on the growth chart, but just barely ha. His height was 28 inches, showing a growth of 1.5 inches in one month. Not quite, I'm sure, there was probably mis-measurement in the previous visit like I said.

So, the pediatrician was happy. We discussed the allergy results-skin reactions to walnut and milk, blood reactions show negative to everything. But, sensitivities can still abound, etc. He does spit up when dairy is introduced via me or him, in more than tiny amounts. We can deal with that. Ped agreed with me that no reason to really continue the Prevacid, if I'm to seeing a huge difference i appetites or changes. We'll finish out the last week and then let it go until his one year appointment. Neither of us felt the need to revisit the allergist either. I feel strongly that it was the bad "bug" he had. Vomiting and having diarrhea for 2 weeks and then taking another 2 weeks to fully recover and act like himself really did him in. Developmentally he's totally on target or above, so we all agree that nothing else needs to be done, just love and feed the kid =)

Here's some things Karter likes to do: climb up the slide, walk up the slide, (finally!) he's interested in books a lot this weekend, get into pots and pans, cruise along furniture and walk with your hands, crawls like a speedy maniac, crawls up stairs no problem, tries to climb in the bathtub, loves all water, eat dog food, feed Finn from his highchair or whatever he happens to be, share his food with everyone, give kisses (slimy, open-mouthed ones) bang, drum, loves music and claps to it or singing, mash his food into his hair-every time, eat, swing, and be oh so silly-laughs like crazy to get you to laugh too, he's such a ham! Going to be a mischievous troublemaker too, going to be more physically daring than Kian even I'm afraid!

He's still got his 6 teeth, can tell there's some molar bumps back there he's chewing for, but will be awhile. Kian had 12 teeth at one year (4 top, 4 bottom and 4 molars) and Karter's probably not going to, but he can still chew with the best of them. Loves his crackers and carrot sticks to chomp on.

And I'm sure, like the nurse and ped you won't believe me, but he says: mama, dada, "kuh" sound for rocky or cat-not sure which, "puh" for up, "aw-duh" for all done, does this deep-voiced "uh!" to copy Finn when he barks, sometimes still says "ni-ni" for night-night. They didn't believe me, but I told them Kian had 10 word/word approximations at 12 months too.

Now we're in the midst of planning a little camping trip for August, to just get away from the chaos of house selling, packing, cleaning, every day junk. Just a short, few days stay at a state park, but will be nice to just get out, get away, and leave tv, computers, phones, etc. behind for a bit. Going to call in reservations for waterfront sites at Delta Lake in Rome, NY.

Questions and Answers

Q: When was the last time you cut Kian's hair?
A: December 19th, 2009. Yes, that means it's been 7 whole months since then. And that cut- Karter could have done better.

Q: So...when are you cutting Kian's hair?
A: When he wants it cut. I'm done apologizing, explaining away, ignoring, etc. It's hair. He wants it long, he loves his curls and so do Kevin and I. We like it longer as well. I know a day will come and he will want it short. So, for now it stays. It's hair, it comes, it goes. It can be changed whenever, it's not permanent. It's not like we let him get a tattoo or anything...


Q: Are you going to grow Karter's hair long too?
A: I don't know. Depends on his hair type, if it's curly, we might let it get a little longer, yes. And when he can form an opinion (okay, a verbal opinion) about it, we'll cut it or not, depending. And yes, it's starting to get curly, especially when he sweats. We just won't mention the poor blonde mullet he's sporting. If I cut the back then he'd really be bald, and I'm just not into that.

Q: What's with the healthy eating stuff lately?
A: Well, it's not just lately. It's all the time. It starts at home, with impressionable small children who will carry these things long into their lives-lives that will be long because of healthy eating. And America just isn't aware, or caring, that huge corporations are killing them with things that "taste great". Enjoy your slow death then, my friends.

Q: I don't know how to figure out if something is healthy, help?
A: I've been thinking about doing a post on label reading. I love that Wegmans site shows all the ingredients of every product they carry. It's a nice way to look at things before your in the rush of the store. Few rules: 1. the first ingredient is the most ingredient in something-you want that to be something healthy (ie-whole grains, or a fruit) 2. the more ingredients there are in something, the worse it is for you. 3. if there's high fructose corn syrup in it-put it back. 4. soy is not good for you either, leave that out. 5. if you can't pronounce it, don't put it in your body. there's more, but we'll save the lectures.

Q: Why are you selling your house? Why are you moving an hour away?
A: I grew up out near Canandaigua, and though we didn't plan on moving back there, when the opportunity presented itself to purchase my grandparents' home with lots of land and more square footage, who says no to that?


Q: Why cloth diapers?
A: I wanted to save money, save the environment, they're way cute, easier than you think, and Kian gets rashes from disposables.

Q: Why do you talk so much and have so much to say?
A: Probably because when I was little I didn't say much of anything. I was shy, but observant and kept a lot in. I remember friends of the family teasing me and actually getting upset with me that my answers were "I don't care". When asked what I wanted to drink for dinner "I don't care." He got mad and said "You should care, you do, don't be so indecisive, you're allowed to make a choice and have a want." So, I finally figured that out years later. I found my "voice" in my blog I guess.

Anything else you want to know about how crazy I am? Yeah....just ask.

My lists

I figure if I see this and put it out there then it's kind of an accountability thing, right?

Things to do:
Pack...lots and lots of packing.
Get rid of more stuff
Keep house tidy (I'll be blogging about my happenings with the Flylady soon...intrigued yet?)
Canning
Crocheting
Christmas shopping way early
Figure out if I can join the Y in Cndga or still continue my boxing classes in City
Plan a camping weekend/trip for August
To be more authentic (I have a tendency to adapt to the people and situations I'm in, not in a wrong/bad way, but I do)
Recover from my website/deals/steals addiction


Things I want to can this year:
jam/jellies (berry, peach, apple)
apple pie filling
pickles
tomato sauce
small jars of "gift" jams, jellies, specialties
(roasted) red peppers
sun-dried tomatoes....i might actually try drying them in the sun...

Random things I want after moving:
Trampoline (a BIG one)
Chicken coop, with chicks for laying in the spring
Berry bushes, lots of them
A big wood playset for the boys, with climbing wall and such
Bike trailer for boys to ride in
Boat
(listen, I didn't say I was getting this stuff, I just said I wanted it)

Other randomness:
have another baby---a girl please
make 1/2 of Christmas gifts I need to give out this year
actually read the Bible in one year
grow a nice big garden that bugs don't eat
temper my temper
think before speaking more often
let my actions speak louder than my words (cuz my words can get loud, yikes)
teach Kian & Karter some party tricks to show off in front of friends ahahaha
(Kids as parlor tricks) that's what most of the programs for babies are anyways.
teach Finn some parlor tricks as well (you know, standing up balancing a ball on his nose and such)
do more, talk less
Fruits of the spirit, need I say more?

Neah, we're not busy.

Let's just say with an almost three year old and an almost 9 month old (he can't be already!) and a 9 week old puppy, all of whom are extremely physical...I'm beat by 8pm most days. Whew!

Finn-pretty good dog, when he's not nipping at our ankles. Gives relevance and definition to the term "ankle-biter", the likes of which I never knew. Sheesh. But, he's a smart dog. He learned sit the first week, lie down this week, and last night in a few minutes I taught him to shake. Yeah, I know shake isn't necessary, especially right now, but I took advantage of an action I saw him doing and rewarded it to continue it. Anyway, it's just another element in our busy day. Thankfully, he's taken to the crate well now and most of the night too.

You would think that the crate improvements would mean extra sleep right? Wrong. Karter's top right tooth finally popped through a few days ago. The other 3 top ones are right behind it, swollen, hurting gums and all. Poor kid. He prefers chomping on real table foods more than ever right now, even opposed to nursing. I give him frozen sweet potato fries, as he won't do ice or popsicles, and that seems to take the edge off. The kid is a maniac lately. At my grandma's this afternoon she worried he'd go up the stairs. I said, "neah, he might pull to stand on the first one". So we continued talking and he was slightly out of view. Kian says "mommy, Karter's upstairs." Yeah....he was 4 or 5 steps up. Oops. =) He insists on walking around holding our hands a lot, something Kian wasn't really interested in for a few more months. He says "ni-ni" all the time now when he's tired. Unlike Kian, who if he fell asleep in the car for a few moments would never go back to sleep once we got home, Karter actually asks to go back to bed! The boy loves sleep and his bed, just like his dad. He will say "ni-ni-ni, ni-ni" over and over when he's tired, rubbing his eyes until i put him in bed. We're officially saying that 'night-night' is his first word.

And Kian...oh the boy. Never still. Neither is his mouth. I never knew I loved three this much. (Yes, I know he's not even three yet.) I always told everyone that I loved babies and wasn't sure about older kids. Maybe I just wasn't sure about other older kids. Actually, ever since having Kian, I've found myself not as eager to inhale everyone else's kids like I used to. People would see me and hand me their baby, others would ask if I wanted "my baby" and just give them to me. Now, I am so in love with my own, I sometimes forget there are others around haha. But, three? Oh, three, I love you. We've turned a corner with behaviors in the last month or so, for the better. His mind, amazing. His imagination, fascinating. His vocabulary, spectacular (sometimes to a fault!). People would tell me, wait until three, ti's the magic age, you can do anything at three. I was like "yeah right". But, yeah, right! Your child is three? Here's the keys to the city. You can now attend so many programs and groups, it will make your eyes bleed. Your child now has the developmental skills mentally and physically for things that will entertain you and can go anywhere and be a great companion. And the things that come out of his mouth-those are the best parts of the day, hearing what he comes up with. Three definitely is the magic age. I am loving it (three weeks premature).

And so, Kevin and I just hang on for the ride with all these active whippersnappers. =) It's a busy house, but it's fun. Tiring, but entertaining. Wouldn't trade it for the world.

Going..going...

And the 20's are almost gone. Happy birthday to me. (yesterday) Here's to 29, the end of a decade...

It's nothing different, yet everything is not the same. I distinctly remember my mother turning 30 and how everyone made such a big deal of it. I was 8 or 9 at the time. Now that I am almost there, I don't really see the big deal. Well except that I keep getting older of course. And that puts me closer to the end, somehow. ha.

I don't really feel much different than I did at 16, or 23. Physically anyway. And I don't feel like I even look that much different either. I do, in fact, feel much smarter and more mature. But, time seems to have gone so fast that I don't see or feel much of a difference. Yet, the "big one" is looming, you know before the other "big one". Oh well.

Yet, in the last couple years, so much has changed and emotionally I have been challenged and transformed and internal changes have been incredible. This past year was a pivotal one for me. Becoming a parent of course changed me, external actions of my internal feelings, all over one little being. Now, two. But, there are so many other things that have changed inside of me. I've done a lot of self-discovery in the last year or so, who I am, who I was, where I come from, where I am going, what I have to give, to offer, how much I can take, what I choose to give and take and with whom, etc.

Let's be honest, with my parents separating and divorcing, it was shocking, yet not surprising, as I sensed it coming. It was, however, the crashing death of a "normal" childhood; fondly remembered in those warm, fuzzy feelings, suddenly shattered. It was the gaping hole of "what do I do now?" and "what will the future look like now?". Having kids, I had certain things I just thought would happen and expected and grandparents living in the same house was one of them. That going "home" is no more. It was, and still is, a grieving process. I've dealt with lots of anger, resentment, at certain people, at the situations, hurt, and lots of denial. Pretending if I don't see it, hear it, talk about it, it's just back home and normal. So, it's a lot of processing and I've just come to realize I can't put my expectations and wishes on anyone else and I just have to take what they can offer at that moment. That goes for my kids and husband and the rest of the world too. I know I have a problem with common sense and logic and feel the rest of the world should have it and use it too. But, sadly not everyone can or does. Oh well.

On a high-note, I really feel like I know myself now. I've been stretched and challenged. I've changed and responded and become more resilient, if not for myself, for my kids. I've reconnected with God, in a way I haven't in years. I'm trying to worry less and enjoy the moment more. I'm not going to try to live up to everyone else's assumptions, or edge anyone out. I know I won't have the cleanest house, or the fanciest car, or smartest kid who's reading Voltaire (see you gotta be smart to know who that is!), etc. But, I will know my home is welcoming and warm, our bodies are healthy and strong, our minds are sharpened, exposed, stimulated and we will experience a wide variety of things, memories will be made of fun, love, laughter, new places and sights, we will explore and discover and love.

Love. That's another thing I've learned. It's not always reciprocal. It's not always a feeling. It's a choice. It's a decision to love someone. It's unconditional and if you put conditions on it, then it's not love. You can make boundaries and "rules", especially on behaviors but sometimes love does more than just talk, it acts, or sometimes it just is there without talking or acting. It takes on many forms.

I've also learned that just because I fail, doesn't mean I'm a failure. I had (have) a tendency to be hard on myself, especially in my head. If i messed something up, I'd rather just scrap the whole project, the entire idea, than to fix or make a change in the way it's going and continue. To me, if i messed up one step, the whole thing was ruined and not worthy. I often felt that of myself too. If I slipped up, said something nasty I shouldn't have said or didn't do something I was supposed to, then that was it, I was a complete failure and should just go hide in a cave. No, I'm not going to dig into why I have weird feelings like this. I just did and sometimes do. I'm just being brutally honest, that's just the way it is. If my kid acts up, I obviously have failed as a parent to teach and train up my child correctly, right? But, alas, and thank God, it's not so.

Life is a continual learning process and I am still learning, even though I like to think I already know it all. I'll admit I don't. I welcome any chance to learn more, and open up new opportunities. With all that I've learned in the last year or so, I am feeling very confident to face this new looming decade head-on. 29, I'm welcoming you with open arms. You and I are going to be good friends. I know you'll be good to me this year.

F'n B!

This really isn't a cussing post. I have no intentions of swearing at anyone. At the moment... I jest, I jest!

Today, while getting Kian and Karter ready for a nap, I told Kian to pick out some books and meet me in my room. I changed Karter's diaper and I hear Kian... "F'n B! F'n B! F'n B!"

I all I can think is, "what did he hear on tv, or someone say now?!" I look out into the hall and am very relieved to see two books in his hand. Small, Sesame Street board books. One is labeled with a huge F, and the other labeled with a huge B.

Sure, I have no problems reading F'n B books. =)





ps. can I just state, for the record, that I absolutely detest SNOW on May 9th, on Mother's day, on the week of my birthday?! Really? Good joke, God, but please can I have some sunshine and warm temps for my birthday? Thanks. Much appreciated.

pps. Dear Karter, I'm sorry I gave birth to you around Labor day, the beginning of the school year each and every year, just like Uncle Packy, who's birthday you also share. Dear Kian, I am sorry also that I gave birth to you right around Father's Day. Perhaps those days won't interfere with you and your birthday as much as Mother's day does with mine. Not one year, have I been able to separate the two, since the day I was born. I am forever tortured. And becoming a mother means you get combo gifts to squash those two days together, which means neither is really as special as someone who's birthday is say...August 22nd, April 9th, you know what I mean. Come to think of it, poor Aunt Neenee also gets the short end of the stick. Thanksgiving, the mother of all holidays in this family, is always on her birthday or the day before/after. She can't win either. I promise, dear future children (daughter, please) to have you on a non-holiday day. Something like May 18th. Or even February 17th...
Love, your mother.

The results of parenting in fear

Children are resilient, I've been told often they will "survive in spite of me", and now I believe it. But, there are many effects of parenting in fear, because of fear, and these detriments can last a lifetime.

If we parent in fear, we might be afraid of: 1. our children not liking us, 2. our children getting harmed, 3. failure, etc. If we parent using fear, it's because we: 1. haven't learned proper child development and discipline techniques, 2. we think it's the quickest way to get a child to obey, etc. Another possibility is that we parent by allowing our child's fears to dictate his life, our life and the family life.

What could possibly be wrong with protecting our child so that they never get hurt, never get sick, always like us, always get what they want? What's wrong with scaring a child just a little to obey? What's wrong with always avoiding that one street, that certain color shirt, or food because Johnny's afraid of it? Lots.

[I claim to be no expert. I am just a (still fairly new) parent. I have a degree in psychology, studied child development and have worked with children for the last 8 years in various settings, typical, delayed and disabled. I also love to read and research so much, that I just need an outlet. Read or not, that's okay.]

Let's start off with the easy one: using scare tactics on your child. We've all done it. We'll all do it at some point. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. It doesn't work when you're child is old enough to think, theorize, it loses it's effectiveness. (Okay, I typed that word and had to then look it up to make sure that theorize was indeed a word.) It works occasionally when you're child is running toward the street and you yell "stop or you'll get hit by a car". It's not so good, as Kevin found out, using it in such that you scare your child and that's all you hear about. He thought telling Kian that (jokingly) he should stay in bed so the alligators didn't get him and bite his feet. (yes, stupid) Well, for a week that's all we heard, afraid to get in or out of bed. I made Kevin make it right. You don't need to create a fearful child, plus as they get older they realize you have lied, or are lying, to them and won't take you seriously, especially about the important things.

So, what's so bad about catering to Johnny's needs, avoiding everything green, everything that slightly resembles that mouse he's terrified of? It's not realistic. That's not how the real world works. You can't avoid these things forever. You might be able to avoid that certain thing in your neighborhood but when he's on the bus for kindergarten, they can't and won't.

Should we throw our children to the wolves? No, but we should work on their flexibility, their adaptability, and learn that it's okay to be uncomfortable and feel that way but we also need to look at the greater picture. Kian doesn't want to leave the library, but I've given him warnings that it's time to go. He is going to make a scene, I know it and he knows it. It doesn't matter the threats or discipline I adhere, it's bound to happen. But does that mean I give in and stay longer? No, I tell him that I/we need to do what's best for the family as a whole and staying another hour isn't it. I describe his feelings "I know you're mad/sad/etc. about leaving, we can come back another day, but it's time to go". Then I shut up and if he's still having a fit, so be it, I buckle him in, roll down the window, turn up the radio and away we go. (There's also a fear of discipline, which is a whole other issue.) But, if we try to avoid any and all triggers in our children we are creating false security (it's going to happen sometime, someday, somewhere and it's better to prepare them now) and that their needs trump the rest of the family's or world's needs.

The same goes for fearful parenting of avoiding germs, never letting them get hurt. The world is not a terrible place, but we are teaching them it is by telling them all the bad things that could happen, might happen to them. We can't protect them until they're 40, we can't put bubble wrap on every street corner. Many times, clients of mine would receive physical therapy for delayed gross motor skills. I'd go with the PT and she'd work on crawling or walking up stairs and parents would freak out. They didn't want their kids exposed to stairs, it's too risky and scary. The PTs would try to explain it was necessary for proper motor development (all the million reasons why). Why are we afraid to let our kids try? Sure they will fall, get hurt, but they learn to get up and try again. There's protecting our kids and there's overprotecting them and then there's just insanity. =) I have scars, and I can tell you exactly where each one came from--right shin-fell on cement steps leading to our front door, back of left thigh-fell off swing at church onto the cement holding the post in, 8 yrs old, under my chin-rode my trike down the front steps at age 3 (okay I don't remember that last one, mom reminds me). But, that's life.

The child then begins to learn and feel they are only safe at home, the rest of the world and everyone in it is bad, dirty, harmful, etc. They withdraw, they are shy, they don't trust. They become fearful. They are naive and gullible, easily taken advantage of by the more experienced kids. They're awkward and not fluid in social settings. They don't try. That, I think is the saddest part, they don't try. They don't learn to become confident, they aren't given chances to try and fail, to try again. If mom tells them they can't do x, then they won't do it and they won't try it. I don't want to tell my kids they can't not do anything (well, you know what i mean, except like whacking his brother, running in the street...). I want them to try. I know they'll fail sometimes, but i want them to keep trying. I don't want them to fear things, people, their world. I want my kids to view the world as opportunities and wide open, and to reach their fullest potential.

What I learned from 1 to 2

Each day I feel like I'm finding more shortcuts, more tricks to make my life easier with two. I'm also noticing a lot of the apprehension is gone, I'm much more laid back with baby number two. I know because of me, and in spite of me (hehe ;) ) they'll both survive.

1. baby gear-it's overrated, overpriced and never gets used as much as you think it will. Downsize. Especially since another body with another set of clothes and diapers will just take up more room than that fancy swing and extra bassinet.

2--everything is washable (I've said this lots) even the baby. A little dirt, food mush, cat hair, never hurt anyone, increases the immunity, makes for lots of laughs and good times by all. If it's not washable, why do you have it with kids around? (okay, except for those priceless Christmas card outfits.) You won't get through infancy and toddlerhood spotless, and if you somehow manage to, just know that age 5, 6 & 7 will get really, really messy.

3--trying to protect that baby too much makes a ridiculous amount of work for you, it's exasperating for him, and it's good for baby to get a bump or two, have to work at something, and cry for a minute or 3. I've learned that keeping baby surrounded by pillows and boppies while sitting only causes them to not develop their protective reflexes (meaning they won't learn how to put their own hands out for safety if there's always a pillow there, thus increasing the likelihood they'll fall more and longer than necessary). It's okay if baby tips over, does a face plant, etc. (No, I'm not encouraging you let baby roll off the changing table because you left him unattended, you know what I mean.) But it's okay for the toys to be out of reach, it encourages crawling. It's okay if they fuss at tummy time, keep doing it.

This also goes for germs, dirt, schedules, etc. We all need a little dirt and germs in our systems or you'll end up with one allergenic nerd ball. hehe. It's easy to keep an only child on a 'schedule', but when that second comes along, it's blown out of the water. Baby number 2 usually adapts to first child's routine, or the family routine. And first child will need to be flexible enough to adapt as well. This was when I was glad we occasionally slipped off our routines with Kian, he didn't freak out if we weren't home at a certain time, he didn't nap at exactly 12:04, etc. because nursing the second for 20 minutes means you can't just jump up and do x, y and z like you used to. And this leads me to...

4--creating some independence in the first child. Okay, sometimes Kian's independence is over the top (the other day he put his plate in the microwave and somehow pushed 30 seconds and started it before I got in there!) but it was great to be able to say "get me a burp cloth" and have him do it. Or leave some snacks on the bottom pantry shelf and tell him "you can go get ___" when I couldn't. Or being able to throw a plate of pb&j, carrots and grapes on the table and know I can use the bathroom, change a diaper or even shower and he's got it covered. ahhh.

5--baby carriers = lifesavers. when you have one that's walking, running and wanting to play (like say, at a museum or playground) a stroller just doesn't cut it, because then you're pushing with one hand, holding onto toddler's hand, etc. Wearing the second baby is much easier as it leaves both hands free to do whatever you need to do, even if that's just making yourself a sandwich. Also, frees up room in your car. (double stroller-ha yeah right.) Plus it gives the infant some close, mommy-skin time and helps them sleep better, longer and just plain makes them happier since they can be in the thick of it and see what's going on. Most babies get sick of looking at the ceiling lights laying in a stroller, and you end up carrying them anyways. And trying to put an infant seat in a grocery cart and a toddler, there's just not enough room! So, get a baby carrier. Peanut shell sling. Action Baby carrier. Ergo. Few of my faves, ones I own.

6--Reassign and re-delegate chores, baby care, etc. with your partner. It's fine that baby number one always wanted mommy to do everything, and I mean everything...until baby number two comes along. Kian just can't handle Kevin doing the entire bedtime routine every night (sometimes, yes) so we rethink and figure out other things that work. Maybe it's putting away dishes and loading the dishwasher while I do the bedtime routine. Or he brushes teeth and i finish with stories and prayers, or whatever. It's just a way of balancing it all out so that one person isn't doing it all or overwhelmed. And keeping the peace with everyone in the meantime. But again, flexibility is key with everyone, and it's okay for the first child to stretch and learn to adapt and change as well. (Although trying this in the first 2 months after the new baby arrives probably isn't the best time to expect acceptance of said changes.)

7--Throw expectations and schedules out the window if you have to. Every once in awhile the only way everyone naps is when we all pile in my bed with books. And I take advantage and nap too. Stop expecting a perfectly clean house. I hate it, but there are days my house looks like a disaster, but we've had so much fun that I let it go. Will my boys care at 18 or 35 if I kept a perfectly clean, dust-free house when they were 2 and 4? Nope. I know when they're older they'll be happier they can mess it up a bit and not feel like they live in an art gallery. This also goes for perfect behavior. And your dignity. And your pride. Throw them all away while you have young children. You don't need them now anyway.

8--Babies grow too fast, enjoy every second of it. Although sometimes I find myself enjoying the baby so much I need to remind myself to enjoy the toddler just as much too. With Kian I was trying to make sure he met so many milestones and early and exposed to so much that I feel like I pushed infancy too fast. With Karter I"m really enjoying it much more. Forget the big boy, real clothes, let him be soft and cuddly in baby clothes. He's got a lifetime to wear jeans and walk and talk, right?

9--Keep one outfit per child in your car. And a package of tissues, and previously stated baby carrier. You just never know. I've also been known to leave a water bottle and granola bar in there as well.

10--And waterproof plastic underwear are a lifesaver/pant-saver/car seat-saver when potty training your older child. It's much easier to take off wet undies and throw them in a plastic bag and let him go commando under his pants than have to change entire outfits or run out of pants.

11--receiving blankets double as burp cloths, nursing shields, hats, pillows, just about anything you can think of...probably even a diaper as well!

12--breastfeeding the second child is even better than the first, that's just a lot less to pack and carry in a diaper bag when you're packing for 2 now. Bottles and formula take up too much room and have to be monitored for temperature, etc. but not breast milk.

13--suck it up, swallow the pride and accept the help. Yeah, I'm still working on that one sometimes. I already know I'm not in the running for mother of the year until 2036. When someone asks what you want, tell them a meal. An already cooked, ready to eat meal, and even if that's pizza or fried chicken from the deli, take it! You can get by with re-using all the old baby stuff, but meals are priceless. I only got one, I cherished it (thanks Elissa!).

14--learn your limits. I did tons of cloth diapers with Kian. This time...um, yeah...blush, blush. I spent the money and have only done it a handful of times with Karter...one handful of times. ha. It's more laundry, more time that I just don't want to deal with right now, especially when I was dealing with lots of pee and poop on clothes with potty training Kian. I think I'll just sell them and stop feeling so guilty...

15--a washcloth is just as good as a bath most of the time, and much quicker.

16--making up silly songs about what you're doing (ie changing diapers, getting dressed, washing, picking up toys, etc.) is much more effective and puts everyone in a happier mood then commanding and raising your voice.

17--record these moments, whether by book, video, blog, spiral notebook, you'll want to remember them all, and the funny things your kids say, and take lots of pictures.

Final thoughts--Laugh more. Put the sponge down and put on a silly hat. That's what they'll really remember. Model what you expect. Kids are copycats and imitators, if you want kind words and good behavior, model that. Kids are the best mirrors. Sometimes you have to yell, and that's okay. Sometimes you just have to get in the car and go for a drive, and that's fine too--with or without the kids. =D Just know in the end you're fine, they're fine, we're all fine.

Rethinking education & learning

It appears that 2010 is my rethinking year, my fine tuning, my readjusting period. I'm learning to not always care what others think of me, but to do what needs to be done to make my family and me happy, healthy, and the best they can be. Might I be wrong? Sure. Might I fail? Sure. But, at that moment I do what makes the most sense and has the best outcome for my family. Maybe I'll change my mind down the road, maybe my kids will make their own decisions, maybe they'll want to be vaccinated, maybe they'll rebel, but we'll deal with that later.

Being home again, I definitely know that I do not want to sit around with the TV on all day long. I've been vacillating between implementing a schedule and "educational type program" and just being free spirits, doing whatever we feel like doing that day. I've decided on...smack in the middle. Kian has a thirst for learning, everything and anything. He comes up with different things he wants to learn about, almost weekly. A couple weeks ago it was sharks. This week he wants ladybugs. So, on our trip to the library this week, we will be finding some book(s) on ladybugs (I hope they have one!). He loves to do art, crafty projects, so those always find a way into our day; be it paper and glue, paint, mud and sticks, etc. He is interested in letters and some words and lately is more into the fine motor aspects of it-drawing and writing letters and words. He always wants to know why, how, when, where, etc. He was thrilled to stop and watch planes at the airport, and needed explanations on how it all worked. I love that about him.

"Children must master the language of things before they master the language of words"
—Friedrich Froebel, Pedagogics of the Kindergarten, 1895

In one sentence, Froebel, father of the kindergarten, expressed the essence of early-childhood education. Children are not born knowing the difference between red and green, sweet and sour, rough and smooth, cold and hot, or any number of physical sensations. The natural world is the infant's and young child's first curriculum, and it can only be learned by direct interaction with things. There is no way a young child can learn the difference between sweet and sour, rough and smooth, hot and cold without tasting, touching, or feeling something. Learning about the world of things, and their various properties, is a time-consuming and intense process that cannot be hurried.(site)

I've had this guilt, coming and going, about not throwing myself into "educating" him with all the bells and whistles, so that he is reading, writing, doing math, putting robots together and figuring out scientific formulas at age three. Um hello. Brain, did you leave me? Apparently so. There's always another program on the infomercial to make your baby smarter. There's always more classes and camps for your infant and toddler. I know some kids who's schedules are packed so tight there's no breathing room, and have more 'hobbies' than most adults have in a lifetime. A lesson for everyday of the week, and then some. Where's the kid in that? Where's the play in that? I had a client who was receiving speech therapy, the kid has about 5 real words at 3 years old-he can only say 5 words!, but he's been "reading" with the baby reading program for a year and a half. Great. I think...? He can't talk but he can recognize words on cards. In today's society that's just not functional, where will that get him?

Actually, this developmental ped thinks we're pushing too much too early:

"If we insist on pushing writing, reading and spelling before the children’s minds are ready, we will continue to create an epidemic of behavior and learning difficulties, especially in our boys. (she talks about the neuro pathways that need to be developed first)
It is time to remove the desks from kindergartens and preschools. Our preschools and kindergartens need to fill their curriculums with play consisting of lots of sensory integration activities that will strengthen fine motor movements, visual motor abilities, balance, muscle tone, proprioception, as well as strengthen children’s social and emotional development. Activities like imaginary play, climbing, running, jumping, hopping, skipping, walking the balance beam, playing circle games, singing, playing catch, doing meaningful chores, painting, coloring, playing hand-clapping games, doing string games, and finger knitting will strengthen their minds for learning. Children need these healthy, harmonious, rhythmic, and noncompetitive movements to develop their brains. For it is the movements of their body that create the pathways in their mind for reading, writing, spelling, mathematics, and creative thinking."

Don't get me wrong, if a child wants to learn, then go with it, full-steam ahead. I like to think I'm being "developmentally appropriate" with my discipline, with knowing where a child's understanding lies in relation to his behavior-good or bad, and why. So, why not with learning as well? Apparently, my brain was fogged by overload of work, kids, husband and stress, wanting too, to have a superkid, the smartest, brightest, ahead of the class kid, above average child. Moment of clarity. Duh. Hello.

Play is learning. Do I support and give Kian as much information as he wants when he tells me a subject he's interested in that week? Absolutely. Do I take the time to explain all the whys, wheres and hows? Of course. Do I need to sit down for 2 hours each day and make him memorize the days of the week, the 3 forms of water (liquid, gas, solid, just in case you are wondering) and on and on? No. He's going to go to school for 17 years (from kindergarten through college) give or take a few, why formalize it now? I actually have fears about him in public school and not allowing for learning in all forms--hands on, etc. But we will explore those three forms of water in the pool, washing our hands, ice in our cups and on the steps, steam from our broccoli, etc.

"The educators who established early childhood as a legitimate time for guided learning all emphasized the importance of manipulative experiences - of seeing, touching, and handling new things and of experiencing new sensations..." Found here.

I stumbled on this article this morning while looking for "preschool curriculum activities". I love when things back me and make me feel justified in my decisions. (Italics and colored text added by me)

Why, when we know what is good for young children, do we persist in miseducating them, in putting them at risk for no purpose? The short answer is that the movement toward academic training of the young is not about education. It is about parents anxious to give their children an edge in what they regard as an increasingly competitive and global economy. It is about the simplistic notion that giving disadvantaged young children academic training will provide them with the skills and motivation to continue their education and break the cycle of poverty (*this might be somewhat true). It is about politicians who push accountability, standards, and testing in order to win votes as much as or more than to improve the schools. yes yes yes!

The deployment of unsupported, potentially harmful pedagogies is particularly pernicious at the early-childhood level. It is during the early years, ages four to seven, when children's basic attitudes toward themselves as students and toward learning and school are established. Children who come through this period feeling good about themselves, who enjoy learning and who like school, will have a lasting appetite for the acquisition of skills and knowledge. Children whose academic self-esteem is all but destroyed during these formative years, who develop an antipathy toward learning, and a dislike of school, will never fully realize their latent abilities and talents. (while many undereducated areas love the universal pre-k, and it is very helpful, I've seen so many of these kids don't even know their colors at age 4, yet they're being 'trained' to read, they don't even know concepts of big and little, yet are being overwhelmed with writing their names and letters. There needs to be foundational learning.)

If we want all of our children to be the best that they can be, we must recognize that education is about them, not us. If we do what is best for children, we will give them and their parents the developmentally appropriate, high-quality, affordable, and accessible early-childhood education they both need and deserve.

I still want a superkid, who can solve quadratic equations in first grade (I loved those in math!). I want a child who can play a round of gulf with his dad at age 8, and beat him. Is it realistic? No way. I don't necessarily want my 12 year old going to med school and performing surgery though. I see girls today with their clothing and way they talk and act and I think "how sad, they're trying too hard to be grown up and missing their childhood", and we as society are letting them. Childhood is but a sliver of our lives. A mere 16-18 years out of 80+ years we are alive. Learning is a lifelong process. So, I'm going to step back and try hard to not worry if Kian can't play the dulcimer in first grade or has to use his fingers to do some math. A well-rounded child who functions socially, who has confidence in himself and his world, who contributes something to this society and knows he can do anything he wants with his life, that's what I want.



*references: Miseducation, preschool learning, teaching our children,

Also very interesting: (we need to stop thinking children have to be "seen and not heard")
"The proprioceptive system is strengthened by physical movements, like sweeping with a broom, pushing a wheelbarrow, carrying groceries, emptying the trash, pulling weeds, or hanging from monkey bars. When children do these types of activities they stimulate pressure receptors within their muscles, tendons, and joints, thereby allowing their minds to make a map of the location of these various pressure receptors within the body. A connection is made between the mind of children and the various parts of their physical body. In this way children develop a sense of where their body is in space (proprioception), and even if their eyes are closed, the children will be able to feel or sense the location of muscles, joints and tendons within their trunk, arms, legs, fingers, and toes. In addition, as the children move their arms, legs, hands, and feet forwards, backwards, up, down, left and right, they will start to gain a sense of the spaces around them. Now, when these children look at the shapes of letters and numbers, their eyes will follow and track the lines and curves. The memory of these movements will then imprint upon their mind. They will have the capacity to make mental pictures or images of these numbers and letters. They will easily remember the correct orientation of numbers like 2 and 3 when they are writing. There will be no more confusion between the letter “b” and the letter “d.” The correct orientation of the letter or number will be seen within the mind before it is written.
This proprioceptive system impacts other areas in children’s lives beyond being able to sit still and having a visual memory for abstract forms. It also affects their ability to fall asleep by themselves at night and to stay asleep throughout the night. When the proprioceptive system is not fully developed, children will have difficulties falling asleep at night by themselves. They will frequently wake up during the night and then need physical contact with their parents in order to fall back to sleep. Since their own proprioceptive system is not yet developed, lying next to their parent will activate their pressure receptors and allow them to feel their body, relax, and fall back to sleep. For these children, closing their eyes at night makes their body disappear because their mind has not made a connection to the pressure receptors within their muscles, tendons, and joints. This is why so many children want the light on at night when they go to bed. They need to see their body and the spaces around them since they cannot “feel” their body when in darkness. "

Vomiting commercialism

Sigh. Lately, it's like the tv has just thrown up all over, everywhere. What? you ask, does that mean? My staunch stand on "no tv" sadly went out the window when I began "working from home". (Does my overuse of quotations bother you yet?) I was pleased with myself with the very little tv time I allotted in our home. Kian rarely saw tv and when he did it was "educational" (kind of an oxymoron when talking about tv) or something short, sweet and musical.

Two things happened and that strictness went out the window: working at home, and winter. No longer could I just open the door and go outside. No longer could I sit and make sure there was plenty of other things to do. Actually, a third thing happened...he discovered Handy Manny, and Cars became even more strongly cemented in his brain. Sigh.

I'm cool with the occasional movie as a treat. That's how Cars started. But, then he began seeing Lightning McQueen's face everywhere (refer to my previous posts about this nonsense!) Then he got grandma to buy him McQueen shirt, underwear, plate, silverware...then came Christmas and more Cars stuff followed (be sure that mommy and daddy love playing the Wii Towmater game as much or more than Kian, hehe).

So, there it was, all I loathed, throwing up all over my house. Seemingly helpless to the whole situation. I admit I did jump in and use some Cars vehicles as "assistants" to potty training around Christmastime, thus adding to my own problem.

Cars educational? Not so much. Good message about friendship, helping others, etc.? Sure. Handy Manny educational? Again, not so much. I allow him one-half hour of Handy Manny on Thursday morning and Friday morning while I "work" at home. He has picked up some Spanish words from it, and names of tools. But, again, do I really want these characters taking over my house? Not so much. (tools in general? sure, plain ones without creepy eyes!) At least, I feel less guilty putting on SuperWhy and Word World when I am making my calls from home. He learns letters, words, word recognition, sounds, rhyming, etc.

And the kicker? Last night when we were outside looking at my daffodils blooming, Kian saw a bug. He called it a bee. He says "like Lisa had bees all over." I was baffled, we don't know any Lisa's and he didn't say Aunt Elissa. Kevin starts laughing "he means Lisa on Simpsons, she had bees all over her mouth last night". Excuse me? Oh no no no! Kevin likes to watch that after dinner, I forbid it. I told him Kian picks it up, he says not. Guess who's right? Like always. That was it, over the line. The day my not even three year old can recite Simpsons? Shoot me now. Stick a fork in me, I'm done. Grr.

But, thank goodness spring is coming and I will be home now, because that TV is going to be unplugged. For a long time. I feel myself rotting. I've been feeling a little out of control, not being able to take care of the house as much as I need/should be, always stressed and uptight, eating random, thrown together meals on nights I work, etc. I wonder how women with 2 or more kids really are able to work and ever feel relaxed or "good" about everything they have to do? I can't. I know some moms out there are better moms for working, and others, like myself, are better moms at home. I am already feeling less stressed and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, with lots more promise in the weeks to come. And that means a big purging of the commercialism that has overtaken my living room of late. Goodbye tv shows, hello outside. Goodbye tv, hello learning. Goodbye brain rot, hello living.

Ramble Ramble

Random ramblings...
I haven't been able to take a picture of Karter's little teeth yet. They're so cute. And sharp. I forget how sharp baby teeth can be! He loves gnawing on fingers and he left a mark on mine the other day. He and Kian are interacting so much now, it's so fun to watch. Before Kian would do some ting silly or sing and Karter would smile. Now, he's trying to initiate things with Kian with a screech, and bouncing all over when he's excited and they take turns being silly with each other. I like that they can entertain each other now, it gives me a break!

My meal planning has gone out the window lately and it's not good! That means we are eating "junk" more. Not necessarily terrible food, but it's randomly thrown together stuff and just not as good. Thank goodness for my crockpot on a lot of days! I need to rearrange my shopping day/night too. I used to go on Saturdays with Kian, after working all week. Since Karter's been born we've been going randomly and most recently I've been going on Thursday nights. Mostly because a) I hate going out when I don't have to, on days I work from home or the weekends and b) they boys don't want to go anywhere-well Kian is quite vocal about "just staying home, we are not going anywhere today" and finally c) it's a bit more challenging to take two of them to the store right now.

When it's warmer I throw Karter in the carrier and wear him around and Kian's in the cart. But when it's nasty I leave him in the car seat, which doesn't leave much room for Kian either in the cart or running around. I think soon when Karter sits up better I will try those carts that have the seating in front. I tried the truck carts that have a little truck front attached to the front of the cart. Terrible, awful, horrible. Can't see around it, kids can get up and out all the time. Don't do it. It's about as evil as the person who invented those mini carts for kids to push around the store ramming into unsuspecting ankles and crushing toes, or the wailing child standing in the middle of the aisle refusing to move himself or the tiny cart so one can pass by. The ones the parents end up carrying. Those are evil.

Work...some days it's going really well, other days it's just not going at all. Some days I get a lot done at home, some days not so much. Then I am doing things every night of the week to try to catch up. I don't like that, I hate feeling that not only do I take my work home with me but that it permeates every area of my life, takes precedent every hour...ugh.

Bright note--a spot has opened up at the daycare center for Karter, end of March, but a spot none the less. So, that's good. We'll see if I don't get canned before then, and see if one drop off and one pick up makes my life just a tad easier. But, then I worry the older he is the harder it's going to be to transition him into something like that. He's been with me, or Elissa now for 3 months, and it's going to be way different. Fun times being me, no really, it is!

Just realized I have one year left before I officially enter the 30's. I am unsure how I feel about that. I noted that because I was filling out my calendar with Karter's birthday and Kevin's 30th and Patrick's 28th. Really? 28? Somehow even though I know I get older, I can't seem to grasp my siblings getting older. My sister? Not 25. Nope, 14. With long hair and braces. My brother? 16. Driving his red Honda all over, shouldn't he be at Thendara working about this time? Something is wrong with me people.

Now, please enjoy the day for me as I file 1 trillion tiny trees away in my cases, and waste an hour of my life at a meeting of a case that is no longer mine, and shop before the "big storm of 2010" hits us Thursday and through the weekend...ciao!