Karter's feeling better from the strep. No idea how he got strep throat. None of us got it, or even felt remotely sick, nary a scratchy throat. (I just try to throw special words in there sometimes.) Grocery cart? Museum toys? Something. But with every 'setback' we must regain ground. Grr. Now he's been on prevacid for just over 2 weeks and the only difference that I see is that he now wants to eat every 2-4 hours, around the clock! Yes at night he is asking to eat again. Double grr! I had him sleeping longer stretches and weaned at night for about a week or so and then sickness and meds entered the picture. Now we're back to square one. I try to feed him a lot during the day, but I think with the slightly delayed gastric emptying, he can only take in so much. He tends to want to graze a lot, which is fine and I let him, but do try to also get some good, full meals in. Still, we only get about one good meal a day. And about 3 hours of sleep at a time; with the few days being awake for 3 or so hours in the middle of the night. My body just has learned to run on autopilot.
Kian...oh Kian. He's like Jekyll and Hyde these days. Partly because of Karter demanding so much attention while sick, and partly his age. He can be so sweet and charming and funny, and then he's punching the dog, hissing at the cat, pushing Karter over. Couple that with no sleep and things can get pretty hair around here for me.
I've been having some revelations lately. Like, when I don't get to church regularly, I get more annoyed and irritable. I need that peace and encouragement. Now, we just have to decide what to do about churches. We love The Father's House, but 45 minutes is a heck of a haul and that ends up taking all day for one service. I feel like there's not a ton of choices around here, as to my criteria, (spoiled by the awesomeness of that church and all it offers) but, I want to connect with couples and moms and families in this area for us and the boys. We definitely need that.
Another thing is that I realized I have been on autopilot. I've been going through the motions. Not always in a good way. I get up when I have to, I feed them when they're hungry, I do the housekeeping that needs to be done. But, I was getting kind of depressed about it. Not like clinically, I need help and meds depressed, but blues and blahs. I was missing things about Rochester, I was missing work and my friends at work (who'd have thought?!). I was feeling useless. Feeling like whatever I was doing just wasn't much, or good enough. I know that it's not true. Maybe I do less or more, in some areas, than other moms. Maybe I am not making a difference to the town or world right now, but I am making a difference to these 2 little boys, my home, my husband. And that is my job right now. I forgot. Or something... But, I have a renewed focus to put my all into what I am called to do right now. To not just try to get the days to go by as quickly as I can, to not just get to nap time or dinner time or bedtime as fast as possible. To really pay attention.
Kevin wrote "2011 resolutions" on our white erase board on the fridge, with all of our names. Of course eating healthy and exercising more topped my list. Followed by "be more patient" and "be in the moment". Yes, I am just needing to be in the moment. Instead of trying to constantly think ahead, look ahead, hurry things up, I just need to 'be'. Also, I am realizing I'm thinking too much. I have fallen in that trap of comparing myself to other moms, my kids to other kids, etc. It's not a fun place to be. I worry enough about my own kids or have enough challenges to deal with besides comparing them to everyone else, or myself to any other mom. I make no apologies for who I am, (which is quite the opposite of who I used to be, always saying sorry and fading into the background. My friend used to tease me that I said sorry to doors I bumped into.) I don't really feel like I need to make apologies for who my kids are (unless they are doing something obviously inappropriate and wrong, of course) but sometimes inside my head I was making lists of things I sucked at, my kids needed to do better, or things I did better than other moms and things my kids already did/knew. So terrible. I just want to chuck it all and be in the moment with my boys and my husband and be more relaxed.
Speaking of relaxed...knowing I didn't sleep all weekend thanks to Karter, and Kevin taking off on Friday night for a work function and all day Sunday for ice fishing (sigh); he was super sweet to hook me up with his client and their salon school for a facial (which included neck/shoulder massage), manicure and pedicure Monday afternoon. All while he stayed home with the boys. How awesome was that? Super. Fantastic. So relaxing, so nice to be pampered and spoiled and feel girly again. Made me realize too, that I am in charge of making myself feel good or pampered sometimes. I can't just expect Kevin to read my mind and do things. I can tell him I want 15 minutes to paint my nails or something though. Those little things make me feel more feminine in this testosterone house, that give me a quick pick-me-up on the rough days.
I've also picked up something again, that I haven't in a long time. Reading my Bible. Yep. Go to church, check. Listen to Christian music, check. Look up a verse or two here and there, check. But, I haven't really read my Bible in quite awhile. Before Karter was born, I kept it right near the kitchen table and during breakfast with Kian before work I'd read some. Most days, he asked me to read it to him. Sometimes I'd find a parable in the New Testament, or Daniel in the lions' den for him, or just read whatever I was reading, and he really enjoyed it. We have begun implementing a boys' "warrior devotional" book at breakfast again for the boys.
This is showing me something else, that I need to have a plan for my family. A plan for my marriage, a plan for my kids, for my parenting. What? Sounds dumb you say? But, it's not. Otherwise, we're all just walking around blindly, from day to day, going through the motions, what's our point? It doesn't have to be huge, but it can be. For example, in my parenting I want to raise children who are respectful (one struggle lately!), responsible (contributing to society in some way) and who have good values and morals and live their lives in tune with God. I haven't thought much about a 'marriage plan' before, except the usual: get married, have jobs, buy house, have kids, etc. But, I want more out of it. I have been thinking lately, it doesn't have to be tangible, like my parenting goals, it can be emotions and ways of acting. Completely honest, and it might be tough for some to hear, but I want to break this legacy of divorce. It's all too common and some don't think it's a big deal, but knowing that the last 3 generations of my families have been divorced (admittedly, having 4 sets of grandparents was cool). I just want to break that cycle. I want to grow old with my husband, my first and only. I want us to have great communication (like all, we could do better in this area!). I want to share goals and support each other in opportunities and keep those feelings alive. It's work. I know. Sometimes it's easy, sometimes it's really difficult.
I'm learning I need to not think as much, not talk as much, be happy in the silence. Which is funny, because somedays that's all I'm trying to get--silence! Content in the moment. It's strange, I'm not big in material things, I don't really want material things. I want certain behaviors, emotions, actions, expectations...things that are hard to grasp and hold onto and yet so important. I need to feel more centered instead of like a pendulum, wildly swinging from side to side on some days. To focus on me some more instead of being the martyr mom, to put more effort into God and spiritual things, to laugh more with my kids instead of thinking about the noise level, to take my happiness up another level. To take back control instead of letting the world control me. And, to lose the last 5 lbs I want to lose! Here's to a happy, healthier, new year and new me!
