Finally-how to not parent in fear

Lenore Skenazy (the mother who let her 10 year old ride the subway alone) came to Rochester and gave a talk last month. I didn't know about it until that day, but now I wish I would have been able to go. I think it would have been great. I want to be free (mostly) from the fears I have that might hold my children back-hold them back from experiencing life, taking risks and therefore opportunities, from my fears and let them develop their own if they want, from society's fears... Her book and website are "free range kids" and she talks a lot about fears we have, how to let go, etc. An excerpt:

Any kid killed is a horrible tragedy. It makes my stomach plunge to even think about it. But when the numbers are about 50 kids in a country of 300 million, it’s also a very random, rare event. It is far more rare, for instance, than dying from a fall off the bed or other furniture. So should we, for safety’s sake, all start sleeping on the floor?

Well, upon reading that, I’m sure that some people will. But — let’s hope it doesn’t catch on. It’s crazy to limit our lives based on fear of a wildly remote danger.

Another mom castigated me for my irresponsibility and proudly said that she doesn’t even let her daughter go to the mailbox in her upscale Atlanta neighborhood. There’s just too much “opportunity” for the girl to be snatched and killed. To her, I’m the crazy mom.

Not that facts make any difference. Somehow, a whole lot of parents are just convinced that nothing outside the home is safe. At the same time, they’re also convinced that their children are helpless to fend for themselves. While most of these parents walked to school as kids, or hiked the woods — or even took public transportation — they can’t imagine their own offspring doing the same thing.

They have lost confidence in everything: Their neighborhood. Their kids. And their own ability to teach their children how to get by in the world. As a result, they batten down the hatches.

And then there are those who don’t.

We are not daredevils. We believe in life jackets and bike helmets and air bags. But we also believe in independence.

Children, like chickens, deserve a life outside the cage. The overprotected life is stunting and stifling, not to mention boring for all concerned.

So here’s to Free Range Kids, raised by Free Range Parents willing to take some heat. I hope this web site encourages us all to think outside the house.

Statistics show that crime is the lowest it's been in decades, that it's about the same as it was on the 1970's. You know, the years when kids rode bikes all over kingdom come and parents didn't know where they were until they yelled out that it was time for dinner? Yeah, those times. Society, media, money-hungry merchants all tell us to be afraid, be very afraid. And we are. But, do we even know why? Probably not. Just because someone told us to be afraid and be afraid for our kids, doesn't mean it's right, necessary, or sane.

Are there differences in where you live? Absolutely. Where I grew up it was "watch out for funny acting wild animals, natural dangers, and weird men when you're alone". For some of my former clients in the city it might be "watch out what colors you where, words you say, fights breaking out, gang signs, guns, etc." Are these real? Completely, very real dangers that exist every day.

But, to me, the purpose is to not shelter our kids so completely that they cannot think for themselves. We watch out for their safety, like Lenore says we wear our bike helmets and look both ways before crossing the street, but we can't, shouldn't, keep our kids in bubblewrap until they hit 21. Our purpose as parents is to teach them the necessary skills in order to be respectful, hardworking, contributing members of society. The role of the parent is much like a teacher or apprentice. We model the behaviors we want, we teach the skills needed in life, then we let them go and practice them. Of course at each age level that looks very different. At three, it's scraping your plate and putting it in the sink, it's playing on the deck while mom washes dishes and watches you through the window, it's going potty alone, it's dressing yourself, etc. At 9, it's riding your bike a block to a friends house, it's cleaning the bathroom, it's making yourself lunch, etc. etc. etc.

So, how do you do it? I really feel that the last 6+ years in a child development career completely allowed me to see the good, the bad, the ugly, what to expect, what's too much, what's too little, etc. Knowing what children should be able to do at a certain age is first and foremost. You can't expect a 2 year old to be completely independent in all areas, but they certainly can help, and do some things completely on their own. I'm not afraid to let Kian try either. I'll admit it was a tad scary watching him scale the giant rung ladder to the very high slide at the playground, while I stood at the bottom, wearing a sleeping baby, knowing there wasn't much I could do about anything anyways. So, I just watched and met him at the bottom. He was thrilled and proud of himself. I've learned: animals and children can sense your fear, your desperation, your nonchalance, your relaxed attitude, etc. Therefore, if you have to fake calm happiness, do it. If you're upset or nervous they feel it and feed off it. Nervous kids are more prone to get hurt because they're not focused on what they're doing as much as the feelings and mom's feelings.

It's a learning process, the first time they fall off their riding toys, the first time they want to "do it myself", there's a lot of checking yourself, biting your tongue, resisting the urge to run over and never let that happen again. But it will, and you might not be there when it does. This isn't heartless parenting. I hug and kiss my kids if they get hurt, but I probably throw a "I'm sorry you fell off that bike, I think you're okay, let's try it this way and ride again" in there too. There's not much Kian isn't allowed to try at this house, save for knives, Kevin's business stuff and that sort of stuff. Why should I hide certain things that in a few years he's going to learn anyways and I might need/want him to know then? I'm teaching him how to use the mouse lately and to get water from the fridge door.

"In order to parent with hope, we have to change our attitude from over-protection to one that teaches responsibility. Once we allow our children to suffer the age-appropriate consequences of their actions, even if it means watching them get hurt a bit, we give them the chance to learn a little more about how life works. A tumble off the swing set teaches them not to be so reckless. Failure to study results in a poor grade. It's through experience that our children learn which choices work and which ones don't." (found here)
[Another aspect-this article talks about how fearful parenting isn't from God. That all that fear is us not trusting God to take care of our kids, take care of us, to give us help in our parenting.]

Here's a secret: it saves me time and energy, lets him feel accomplished like a "big boy" and he learns a lot too. Keeping kids completely spotless, unharmed, always happy and never disappointed is a LOT OF WORK. For you mostly, but also for them, as they are never sure what they can do, are able to do, or if they should try. It also creates children with some serious adaptability and flexibility issues, with a touch of OCD, and guess what? That means more work for you again as they get older. Fine, call it lazy parenting, whatever. Start small. Let your child pick her own clothes out--eeek! I know, it might not match, and mostly Kian's don't. But, I prefer fighting battles on "not picking your brother up by the neck please" as opposed to "that plaid shirt doesn't match with those camo pants".

So...slow your steps, they might figure it out before you get there. Each whine isn't a call to duty, let them try more, get frustrated and persevere or give up, but let it be their choice. Don't do every little thing for them. Bite your tongue, especially before saying "you can't, you're too little" etc. They just might surprise you, they probably can or will figure out a way to do it anyway. Look the other way. A spill off the swing might only end up in tears if they know you're watching.
I saw Karter chewing on a pine cone and sand shovel, but kept hanging the laundry. Immunity at it's finest I say. Don't project your fears. Give them an inch. Give them the benefit of the doubt. "Instead of worrying about the danger, look at the actual risk involved and then determine the value of doing the particular activity. If it’s going to help build an innovative thinker, it might be worth a few potential nicks and cuts."
Believe in yourself, you know yourself and your child best. Trust your instincts, no book or trained expert can know you, your child and family best. If every mom in the playgroup gasps when you let Johnny use that playground port-a-potty alone, it's okay! Talk to them with real words, big words, don't dumb everything down, they're kids-not stupid. Stop reading so much! Too many books, too little time, too much conflicting "expertise" on what to do. Just feel and be, you'll know what's right-even if it's "wrong" in those dang books. As Dr. Spock said in Dr. Spock's Baby and Child Care, "Don't take too seriously all that the neighbors say. Don't be overawed by what the experts say. Don't be afraid to trust your own common sense."
Finally: Believe in your kids! If you tell them they can, they believe and they can do anything!

PS. I just might teach my boys how to sword fight...


ref: Dr. Paul Donahue's book: Parenting without fear.

Live Science's Meredith Small: Why we fear parenting

50 dangerous things you should let your kids do


http://thetyee.ca/Life/2005/12/26/FearParenting/

Parenting in a climate of Fear

The results of parenting in fear

Children are resilient, I've been told often they will "survive in spite of me", and now I believe it. But, there are many effects of parenting in fear, because of fear, and these detriments can last a lifetime.

If we parent in fear, we might be afraid of: 1. our children not liking us, 2. our children getting harmed, 3. failure, etc. If we parent using fear, it's because we: 1. haven't learned proper child development and discipline techniques, 2. we think it's the quickest way to get a child to obey, etc. Another possibility is that we parent by allowing our child's fears to dictate his life, our life and the family life.

What could possibly be wrong with protecting our child so that they never get hurt, never get sick, always like us, always get what they want? What's wrong with scaring a child just a little to obey? What's wrong with always avoiding that one street, that certain color shirt, or food because Johnny's afraid of it? Lots.

[I claim to be no expert. I am just a (still fairly new) parent. I have a degree in psychology, studied child development and have worked with children for the last 8 years in various settings, typical, delayed and disabled. I also love to read and research so much, that I just need an outlet. Read or not, that's okay.]

Let's start off with the easy one: using scare tactics on your child. We've all done it. We'll all do it at some point. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. It doesn't work when you're child is old enough to think, theorize, it loses it's effectiveness. (Okay, I typed that word and had to then look it up to make sure that theorize was indeed a word.) It works occasionally when you're child is running toward the street and you yell "stop or you'll get hit by a car". It's not so good, as Kevin found out, using it in such that you scare your child and that's all you hear about. He thought telling Kian that (jokingly) he should stay in bed so the alligators didn't get him and bite his feet. (yes, stupid) Well, for a week that's all we heard, afraid to get in or out of bed. I made Kevin make it right. You don't need to create a fearful child, plus as they get older they realize you have lied, or are lying, to them and won't take you seriously, especially about the important things.

So, what's so bad about catering to Johnny's needs, avoiding everything green, everything that slightly resembles that mouse he's terrified of? It's not realistic. That's not how the real world works. You can't avoid these things forever. You might be able to avoid that certain thing in your neighborhood but when he's on the bus for kindergarten, they can't and won't.

Should we throw our children to the wolves? No, but we should work on their flexibility, their adaptability, and learn that it's okay to be uncomfortable and feel that way but we also need to look at the greater picture. Kian doesn't want to leave the library, but I've given him warnings that it's time to go. He is going to make a scene, I know it and he knows it. It doesn't matter the threats or discipline I adhere, it's bound to happen. But does that mean I give in and stay longer? No, I tell him that I/we need to do what's best for the family as a whole and staying another hour isn't it. I describe his feelings "I know you're mad/sad/etc. about leaving, we can come back another day, but it's time to go". Then I shut up and if he's still having a fit, so be it, I buckle him in, roll down the window, turn up the radio and away we go. (There's also a fear of discipline, which is a whole other issue.) But, if we try to avoid any and all triggers in our children we are creating false security (it's going to happen sometime, someday, somewhere and it's better to prepare them now) and that their needs trump the rest of the family's or world's needs.

The same goes for fearful parenting of avoiding germs, never letting them get hurt. The world is not a terrible place, but we are teaching them it is by telling them all the bad things that could happen, might happen to them. We can't protect them until they're 40, we can't put bubble wrap on every street corner. Many times, clients of mine would receive physical therapy for delayed gross motor skills. I'd go with the PT and she'd work on crawling or walking up stairs and parents would freak out. They didn't want their kids exposed to stairs, it's too risky and scary. The PTs would try to explain it was necessary for proper motor development (all the million reasons why). Why are we afraid to let our kids try? Sure they will fall, get hurt, but they learn to get up and try again. There's protecting our kids and there's overprotecting them and then there's just insanity. =) I have scars, and I can tell you exactly where each one came from--right shin-fell on cement steps leading to our front door, back of left thigh-fell off swing at church onto the cement holding the post in, 8 yrs old, under my chin-rode my trike down the front steps at age 3 (okay I don't remember that last one, mom reminds me). But, that's life.

The child then begins to learn and feel they are only safe at home, the rest of the world and everyone in it is bad, dirty, harmful, etc. They withdraw, they are shy, they don't trust. They become fearful. They are naive and gullible, easily taken advantage of by the more experienced kids. They're awkward and not fluid in social settings. They don't try. That, I think is the saddest part, they don't try. They don't learn to become confident, they aren't given chances to try and fail, to try again. If mom tells them they can't do x, then they won't do it and they won't try it. I don't want to tell my kids they can't not do anything (well, you know what i mean, except like whacking his brother, running in the street...). I want them to try. I know they'll fail sometimes, but i want them to keep trying. I don't want them to fear things, people, their world. I want my kids to view the world as opportunities and wide open, and to reach their fullest potential.

Parenting in fear

Parenting in fear. It's a new phenomenon. It's all the rage. Don't climb stairs (you'll trip and bang your head). Don't run (you'll fall and break a leg). Don't choke (better yet don't eat anything that doesn't melt, so you won't risk dying). Don't use a fork (too sharp). Don't touch (anything, anyone, and kissing? That warrants a haz-mat rinse down!). Never cross the street (you'll just get hit and die). Never go barefoot (bees, tetanus, germs!). Just point and I'll get it for you, it's much safer that way. Plus you'll never hate me. Just smile and I'll give you the world, then there won't be any therapy in your future and I"ll forever be the cool mom. I'll even chew your food for you.

Before anyone gets their panties in a twist, let me preface this by saying that I saw myself this way for awhile, when Kian was about 6 months to 15-16 months. Almost a year of fearful parenting. He could only eat organic foods. No high fructose corn syrup (ok, so that's still a goal). I walked behind him, following him every second to make sure he didn't put anything in his mouth, didn't get touched by strangers, handed him whatever he pointed to, tried to be oh so fun, exposed him to all the developmentally appropriate toys and activities, did an ASQ monthly to make sure he was developing according to schedule. Sometimes I still do some of these things, but it's not the obsession it used to be. It doesn't take up my life like it used to. Why? What happened? A few things. Kian became a toddler, and a strong-willed toddler at that. I had to adapt and he became faster than me. One day at Wegmans while I was picking out oranges, he grabbed an apple from the seat of the cart and began eating it (about 15 months). Gross that it hadn't been washed, but I figured it wouldn't kill him. (It didn't.) That month he also fell on the driveway and got a gash on his head, despite me doing everything "right". The next month, he ran into a corner at daycare and split his forehead open. Guilt, lots of guilt. Everyone saying "he's a boy, boys will be boys". I began reading more about this fearful parenting, remembering my own childhood, and began thinking "why should I put my kid in a bubble?". And so, I don't. Besides, that waiting on your child hand and foot, 24/7? It's tiring, annoying and teaching them unrealistic expectations of the 'real' world.

(Already assume responsible parenting with necessary safety precautions before continuing reading, okay? Good.)

One day I read this article at work. I was shocked. This mother let her 10 year-old ride the subway in NYC, alone?! Crazy. But, after (days of) thinking about it, and comparing it to my own experiences, it was parallel in a lot of ways. Would I let my child ride the subway in NYC? No. Why? Because we're not "city people". We (Kevin and I) don't even really know how to ride the subway! (We walked all over Toronto in effort to avoid confusing ourselves, ahem embarrassing ourselves.) We're country folk. But, in the same token, I recall playing outside alone for hours. Walking up the creek for hours, no adults. Occasionally, we'd get the "you still there?" yell from mom, tell her yes and go about our business in the woods. Walking to the beach. Riding our bikes down the roads. Climbing trees. Taking care of a horse and goats inside an electric fence at 10, 9 and 7 years old...while mom was in the house. And on and on.

I have so much to say about this topic, that i think it will evolve into several posts. I don't want one post to be too long. What I've been rediscovering, and trying to make Kevin discover is that parenting in fear (our fears, the child's fears, or using fear to elicit behaviors) is just wrong on so many levels. Who creates these fears? We do, in ourselves; greedy, money-hungry companies do; media does, etc.

Companies now convince us we need special outlet plates and covers, breathable bumper pads (I only own one because it was the ONLY brown one I could find, so there!) mesh baby feeders so babies don't choke, latches on toilets and cupboards, ducks to tell us how warm the bathwater is (what's wrong with your hand?) the list goes on and on. It's nuts.
We fear that CPS will be called if our child screams in a store (someone might think we abuse him!).
We fear embarrassment and humiliation in front of other parents (they think we're too hard, too soft, can't control our kids, etc.).
We fear our kids (if we don't give them everything and do everything for them, they might not like us).
We fear society (kidnappers, rapists, etc.). Statistics show that strangers are least likely to kidnap or abuse your child; most kids are harmed by people they know. The reason we hear about abductions? Internet, news, tv, etc. Years ago you didn't hear about the one child in California that was kidnapped and killed because by the time it go to NY it was old news. We can just spread the fear a lot faster nowadays.
We fear harm, germs, disease (a fall, a scrape, a chipped tooth, H1N1, etc.). But that's just part of being a kid.

My goal is to let my kid be just that, a kid, and to let natural consequences show him the ways of the world. An example of that is yesterday we walked around Black Creek Park for a couple hours. We put on old clothes and we let Kian tromp through the mud and woods with us. He loved it, was absolutely in heaven. He played with sticks and leaves, attempted to catch a few snakes, and much more. When he got too close to the ravine we told him to walk on the other side of us. When we got to the pond, we told him to stay back from the edge so that he wouldn't fall in. (It's small and shallow, but still cold and muddy.) There were a few water holes that led into the pond, here and there. We warned and reminded him to look out where he was walking for these holes. Well, being not-quite three, enamored with the pond, and just not paying attention, he falls into one of these holes. His leg and arm on one side got all wet and muddy. He wasn't that upset. In fact, Kevin was more upset about it then Kian or I were. He said that we both should have listened and not let him fall. Excuse me? I am not going to control my child like a robot every second. And guess what? Next time he will be more careful where he steps, won't he? I expect him to get dirty, to fall and get some bumps. To be a boy. A little water and mud are easily washed off. But building confidence in himself, to make his own decisions, to accomplish things, to let him see he is capable, to not shy away from difficulties, to not be afraid of the world or everything in it, to not hold him back, it's freeing both for him and me, and builds a lot more character and determination than my preaching at him.