I'm about to spew. And I don't mean with the flu. I think my stress level is so ridiculously high that I might go over the edge here. Figuratively, of course...I think. This year, it's been a tumultuous one. There have been high highs and very low lows. And me? I hate roller coasters! So, please, can we stop this ride and let me off? I'd prefer to the teacups thanks.
I've already posted about the concerns and issues with the baby. ("The baby", he'll have a name soon, I think we're close!) That is scary, stressful, and we're still monitoring his growth and cord conditions. But, thankfully, all looks well, and we are dealing well with it now. But, of course I still worry. Then he jabs me with an elbow or knee and I tell him, "just wait kid, til your brother gets a hold of you!"
Work has truly been difficult lately. We've gone through 6 months with no supervisor, then we hired one who came in and changed many things. But, after just 2 months she's out on maternity leave so things go back to wacky again. It's much more difficult this time around, than when I was pregnant with Kian. I only had myself to worry about, but this time I have to get him ready and some place before I get to work. That means lots of late days. And the outside other stressors make me not be able to or not want to focus on clients piddly problems while knowing my own are looming large. But, I will muddle through until September 4th, if not sooner!
Kevin and I are doing fine. We have our ups and downs, like any couple. They don't last long, and it's probably more because of my hormones and his getting up too early for work. It's never serious. He's been a good support for me lately with baby issues and with the train wreck that has descended upon my family. He's not exactly emotional and is unsure at times of what to do, but he tries so hard and is so helpful. (except, where were you this morning when Kian had diarrhea all over his pajamas and couch? huh?!)
So, yes the train wreck. Who came up with that analogy anyways? It wasn't that super fast smash of two trains colliding head on. It's more like...hmm, what is it like? Steadily building pressure, inflammation, heat, and you know eventually it's going to blow. I guess a volcano is the best way to describe it. You can feel it coming, see it starting below the surface, and you know it's going to blow. But, you don't know when, or how. And you see some lava starting to leak through the cracks, but you can't stop it now. Then...BAM! It erupts, and ash and lava cover everything in it's wake. Hmm.. yes, that's it.
Time to get real. Real honest. Real raw. You want the truth? I can't handle the truth, but maybe you can. I won't go into details, as I find them too painful, embarrassing and unnecessary anymore. My parents, they no longer live together. There, the truth is out. Doesn't make it any better though does it? I do not enjoy being the bearer of such news. I do not enjoy having to know it either. So many things have come into play and been building, and there's so much more to the story, but it's not mine to tell at this time. And so it's done.
And now, that's where we are. It's truly been a difficult thing for me. It makes me feel like my childhood was just a dream or a farce. It makes me questions how I engage in my marriage to negate anything that might lead me down that same path. Generational curse. I intend to break this and create a new legacy for this family. God help me. And so, you now now the rest of the story. You know my reasons for extreme stress and emotional ups and downs and craziness. Baby + work + family + regular every day living + being pregnant= quite the combination. poor Kian, poor Kevin.
I know it will get better, it will get easier. I know I won't be pregnant for ever and focusing on this baby is helpful, as we get excited and prepare Kian for his baby brother. With all the stress I've had to pull back the reins on how involved I am allowing myself to become. I can't fix anyone, no one listens to me anyways. The other night when I was so upset with my mother, the adrenaline was pumping, I was shaking and I finally laid down and this poor baby was doing somersaults and break dancing in there. Oops! Sorry baby! Made me realize, I can't keep this up. So, I've resolved to take it slower, take it easier. To focus on me, on my little family, and make sure we're all happy and good. As the saying goes to realize the "things I cannot change" and just take care of me.
Stop this roller coaster now sir, I'm getting off! And I am going to lay back in the lazy river for awhile...excuse me.