Grading day: Fail

Sigh. Big, huge sigh.

I think I have a big, fat F- stamped on my head right now. I just have been "failing" at a lot lately. I feel like I"m failing. I feel like a failure. I'm not...right?

It's like every time I get over one hump, there's another one. Yes, I know, that's life. But, from the one who doesn't do change well, it's a heck of a lot of change in the last few months. Yes, good change too!

Karter...oh, Karter. I know that so many other parents are battling serious issues with their children. I know that Karter is happy, he's growing (at his own ridiculous pace) he's smart, he's cute, he's mostly healthy in a general sense. But, I also know there's something going on inside his stomach or digestive tract that is out of wack. I know we're dealing with some chronic characteristics I just want to find an answer for. Does it impact us majorly, daily? Sometimes, mostly not, but at times. Great answer, huh? I won't go into details because i have done that often enough.

But, he had another another 'bug' this week, fever, throwing up, generally feeling like garbage as he exhibited by screaming non-stop several hours a day and not sleeping and not letting me put him down for anything. And I mean anything. This is wearing, like grating on nerves, irritating, especially on no sleep. Especially with a healthy, rambunctious, wanting your attention too, child.

So, I did what any loving, kind, caring, sane, perfect mother would do...I yelled, I threatened, I hid in the bathroom, swatted, growled and even stomped my feet. Sigh. And, I gave up and cried too. A million Lego pieces scattered on the carpet (the tiny ones, and yes a million) dirty dishes from 2 days, 6 loads of laundry done with one (non-dominant) hand due to said child not being put down, loading the dishwasher with a hand and a knee, being climbed on by feeling-well child....I couldn't take it anymore. When you can't beat 'em, join 'em, right?

When you can't 'fix' your child and make them feel better, when you can't keep up on the housework, when you can't give the attention you want to give, when one suffers because the other needs you 'more', when you barely say hi to your husband and you tell everyone to fend for themselves for dinner...yeah, I get an F. F for failure.

Why can't I figure out what is really causing Karter's issues? Why can't I make him feel better and get the laundry done? Why can't I spend one on one time with Kian and mop the floor? Why can't I be more pleasant to my husband who's had a long day at work for us but I'm so tired I can't even think of a nice thing to say? Fail. Epic fail.

I know that I am not a failure. I know in the grand scheme of things, these couple days, hopefully, won't be remembered. I know we'll all survive. But, in the moment, it sucks. I suck. I feel like people think I'm making a big deal out of nothing with Karter. I sometimes think there's nothing wrong with him, he's just small. But, then another round of stomach ailments that no one else in the house has and I know something's going on. I think people hate me. I think people think I'm a "know it all" and act like a stuck up mom. I really don't try to be. I like to read and research and learn things so when I find out interesting info and things that seem to be important or detrimental to health I like to share them. I have no intention of gloating about my kids' latest accomplishments except that it excites me, and I want to have record of these things. I don't do it to make another parent feel bad if they're child isn't doing such and such, and we all know I'm openly sharing my frustrations and concerns about Karter as well as challenges with Kian.

See, there you have it. Transparent. I suck sometimes. Thankfully, a friend reminded me the other day that I do not suck. I am not a failure. That God doesn't think I'm a failure and those thoughts are not from him. It's okay to feel the things I am feeling. It was nice to feel validated. And to just be encouraged, especially from someone who is dealing with medical issues with her own child, more intense than Karter's. (Say a prayer for Jordan!) God gave me these kids and He will help me raise them, even when I do suck! =)

I now channel Miley Cyrus:

I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaken

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa


Anonymous said...

don't worry about the things that don't get done. A house has to be clean enough to be healthy but dirty enough to be happy

babyfood said...

I commend you for your persistence in finding the causes of Karter's symptoms. You are right to trust your instincts and follow them through. Your are a great advocate for your children. I hope he feels better soon.