Yep...not just a pleasant sprinkle, but a skin-pinging, downpour. And it feels like it's been pouring a lot lately. If this was a happy pouring, I'd be much more content. But, then again, if I was content, then I wouldn't continue to seek, search, change, be moved, be pruned, trust, let go and give it all up to God. Because, really, there's not much more I can do.
I have been frustrated because I feel like the last year has been nothing but surprises, and not the good kind. Full of "oh, come on!" and "really? seriously? now?!?" utterances. Questioning everything we've done, every choice we've made, every action we made in the last couple years. Feeling judged, feeling people's assumptions and presumptions about our choices, our actions, what they think they know about us, and our situation. Emotions that were placed, unfairly, mostly on Kevin; frustrations with the boys just being kids, because of the larger things that were looming.
Before we moved, I really felt like we were in a good place. The finances were in order, I was just out of work and enjoying the time with my boys. We made choices, I honored my husband's choices. And things changed. Things didn't go the way we planned. Houses didn't sell that were supposed to sell. Employers changed requirements and insurance was lost, and paychecks changed. Mortgages rose, taxes increased, more more more. Still, we stayed afloat, I don't even know how sometimes. We've been blessed, immensely, and I thank God for his provisions.
But, it just gets discouraging after awhile. There's always something. And it can't just be small things, can it? I mean, yes, in ways, these are small things. Compared to what some people go through, daily, tragedies, I know these are small, but, they feel so big. Especially when it's a constant tug at your wallet. We had to deal with some septic issues here before Christmas, got it straightened out, had a small but nice Christmas. Plugging along, trying to make dents in things. Little things coming up here and there. We made choices to put a floor over the pool and outfit the room so it's appropriate for living. Yes, expenses, but it's our decision and choice to have my sister move in with us, and that meant putting out money at first. It's no one's business if she pays room and board, and how much. We work these things out between us three.
So, we finished the month of March with that room, hoping for a reprieve. Nope. The tenants sent us a letter with a long list of things they wanted fixed in the house. Things, that really aren't necessary, but "perhaps when we have time and money" things. We're a little upset that they failed to mention they smelled septic...and had for awhile. If Kevin's dad hadn't been willing to mow for us up there and found it all out, it would have been way worse. We're now in the midst of repairing and replacing the septic and lines up there. Sigh. We're so thankful for Ron, now that he's retired, he's spent his first few weeks repairing our lawn mower, and assisting us by meeting the septic people up at the house, and mowing. If he wasn't so willing to help, I'd be hanging out up there in my car, with the kids locked in, waiting for septic people back and forth, probably wouldn't go over well. Very appreciative of his help. And if it wasn't for Ron and my dad, the floor over the pool wouldn't have been done, or done well anyways.
Well, after all this, Kevin has had enough of it all, and met with the realtor. We're putting the house back on the market. We're just losing too much money each month, plus all the things we are responsible for taking care of, from paint, to carpet, to septic, it's just not practical for us. Not, that it is any one's business to know if we profit or lose money from this house up there. The tenants, needless to say, are not happy. Not at all. But, while I feel for them, we can't just hold onto this house for them. We've been accommodating, but at our expense, and we can't do that any longer. If we can sell it, we would be a lot less stressed, and our bank would be a lot happier. (Anyone looking for a nice house and yard in Spencerport school district near Chili??)
I get frustrated with comments and assumptions of people, friends, family, whoever. Everyone seems to know our financial situation. Let me tell you, there's probably only about 3 people besides Kevin and I, who really do know, and even at that, they're only privy to a small amount of information. Kevin works at a high-end gym, that doesn't mean clients are consistent. He busts his butt, working several different areas and businesses to take care of us. Yes, we have discussed me going back to work. Do I need to explain to everyone that it might not make much sense at this point, when I would have to pay full-time daycare for two children, which would eat up most of my Bachelor's in Psychology degree job, where I'd have to start at the bottom again, not like before when I was at the top after 6+ years...? No, I shouldn't have to explain everything. Maybe we should have waited on some purchases, maybe we should have done things differently. All I know, is at the time we made certain decisions and purchases, we were able to and it made sense, or was okay to do so. We can't for see the future, obviously we know that things can come up. Unfortunately, we don't expect both septics in both houses to have issues within 3 months of each other, or this thing or that thing to happen, arise, whatever. Tired of feeling judged because we have 2 houses--do you want to pay for them then? Or because the house we live in is fairly big--want to heat it then? Or because Kevin has a newer truck---do you want to haul stone and wood and things for us in your vehicle then?
I know that these are challenges many people face. I know that the world is full of more tragic challenges too. I know that still, I am blessed. I know that still God provides. I know, in the scheme of things, things will be fine, the house will eventually sell (praying that the tenants can purchase it or it sells before they up and leave at the end of the lease and we're not fully responsible for that mortgage without rent coming in!) I know it feels big, and it kind of is big, but God is bigger. I know that there's a plan and reason for everything, and I am trusting in it, trying to not feel overwhelmed. I know that soon it will rain and pour, good things and blessings. And, there is always a rainbow after the storm.