This isn't really meant to be a complaint, or to get sympathy. I just need to let off a little steam. I'm feeling rather overwhelmed right now. I think, more or less, I just need someone to tell me it's normal, they've been there and it's okay.
I didn't factor in being really sick again this time around, I didn't factor in the energy it takes to work, be a wife and a mother to an active toddler. I didn't factor in time and energy for upkeep around the house, dinner making, grocery shopping, etc. So, I feel stupid for that. I guess I figured I might not feel great, but that I wouldn't' be as sick as last time because my body was used to it? Wrong.
I'm feeling guilty lately because my house is a disaster. Toys are everywhere. Dishes can be put in the dishwasher thank God. My floor needs sweeping, but I literally don't have the energy to do it. I'm headed for a nap right now, feeling guilty I left Kian napping at daycare so I could come home to take a nap and do some work from home. I think we've also had a virus floating around here too. Kian's been coughing for over 3 weeks, antibiotics haven't done much. But, lots of kids have it, so I'll wait it out a bit longer. Therefore, he's been miserable at times. Kevin tries, he does the poopy diapers that make me gag. He does the laundry. He cooks sometimes. He does the outside stuff and gets me whatever I need/want to drink, eat, etc.
But, overall, I just feel like I'm failing lately-at everything. My effort at work is barely good enough, but the most I can muster at this point. I can't get there on time lately because I feel so sick in the mornings and move so slowly. I just feel like I'm barely treading water. I know it's hormones and I know that soon the morning/all day sickness will end. (By week 13 we were golden last time, so just 2-3 more weeks of this I pray!) I want to snuggle up with Kevin but then he breathes on me and I can't stand him and push him off the couch. I've asked Kian if he wants a spanking (like he even knows what I'm asking) when he wouldn't stay still and stop kicking me during a diaper change. Like, that would totally change his attitude? Right, good one Krysten, what happened to your child development understanding? Duh.
It completely bothers me that I have mood swings, that my house needs work, that I don't have patience with anyone, that I just haven't felt "normal" and "good" in almost 6 weeks. I know if I asked for some help with Kian or my housework, there are people who would help. They've even offered, but I refuse because I feel guilty and don't want them to see. Instead I just don't let anyone come over ha. Of course, I think that if I wasn't working and just staying home it'd be easier, and it would. I wouldn't have to be up, dressed, out the door with Kian and driving all over the county. We could stay in pajamas and leisurely pick up toys and relax... Wouldn't that be nice? I am feeling guilty that I left Kian at daycare and I came home to do some paperwork and take a nap before Kevin and Kian got home. But, he's only taking a nap for a few hours, so I guess it's not that bad. And if it helps my hormonal, sickly self to take a nap too, then I suppose it's best for all of us.
I know it will get better, I"ll feel better, I'll get more patience back, I'll be able to keep up with kids, housework, job, etc. once I don't feel like puking all the time. But, I just with it'd be now.