For every great day, there's it's counterpart. There's always a rotten egg in the bunch. Today was just one of those days. Whatever could irritate me-did. Whatever could cause major hormonal meltdowns-did. From having my maternity shirts shrunk, to finding curtains hung up that I took down to get rid of, to well you name it. It's hard having everyone else take care of your baby, ahem- toddler, little boy, whatever he is now. It's hard having people in your house, it's hard keeping up with so many things. It's hard having people do your laundry in 'not exactly your way'. I appreciate all the help I get, but sometimes I just get frustrated I'm not here getting things done how and when I want. And missing time with Kian.
It's actually been one of those years! So many trials, disappointments, unanswered questions, unknowns, valleys to climb out of, mountains to climb over, and changes. So, so many changes. People disappoint you, time after time. Even when they promise not to. Even when they're not supposed to. Even when you need them. I'm finding out to start inside me and above all to let God help me through this, because otherwise, I couldn't. It's frustrating and it hurts when those who are supposed to be there for you, always, for support, encouragement, even celebration, aren't. I'm wading through uncharted waters, but finding a lot of new supports and strengthening other relationships in the meantime. It's just sad when the one person you want and need to acknowledge you and hold you up, can't or doesn't. Kevin tries to step in and do the best he can. I appreciate that a lot. But, sometimes it's just not the same.
I try as best I can but sometimes I just can't. And I just need to let it all go. That may mean crying for an hour straight, or taking off in the car to drive it away, or hitting the treadmill and weights. Or in tonight's case-all three. Being pregnant and hormonal and uncomfortable really just makes it all worse. I won't even begin to make a list of things that have gone "wrong" this year alone. According to me, anyways, I suppose God knows what He's doing with this all. But, for me the puzzle pieces don't even look like they came from the same box! I'm glad all I have to do is ask and He's there. Whether it's a song on the radio, a supportive email, a note, a thank you from a client, a squeeze from Kian, or Kian singing his heart out to his baby brother, God knows I need something and He gives it to me. The day brightens.
Lest you think I am this morbidly depressed person-I am not. Hormonal mood swings hit me in major waves last time, too. Laughing can turn into a huge puddle of hormonal meltdown for no reason. That reason could even be a commercial. And it's just some added stress with various things going on at work and in family, along with concerns for this baby, that have made mountains of molehills I suppose. It always has to be lots on one day, then nothing for awhile, then several things on one day again. When it rains, it pours right? And all those small things just feel so gigantic when you're feeling gigantic and emotional.
Tomorrow is a new day. I will make no conditions on tomorrow. I will not put today's "junk" on tomorrow already. When I go to bed, I will sleep and I will leave it there. I will wake up renewed and ready to find joy in Tuesday. Even if it rains.