What about me?

So, you've noticed most of my recent posts are about my kids? What about me? I grumbled this last night after the third time I'd fed Karter in as many hours. After he threw up/spit up for fourth time, requiring i put on new jammies and get rid of dirty clothes. After he had been awake since 3:30 and it was now going on 9:30 (ok, save for a few 10 minute catnaps on one of us, waking upon being put down). After he'd been having bouts of reflux causing him to grunt, fuss, gag, spit up, etc. I said, to him and to Kevin, and to myself "I just want a few minutes to pee by myself and work on this scarf!" (the one I've been crocheting for awhile, that isn't going anywhere lately.)

I was on the verge of tears and shoving this kid at Kevin and going far away for awhile. But, I did not. I sucked it up, muttered a few rude comments under my breath and continued on my (albeit fake) happy voice to soothe the baby and ignore the sleeping husband watching tv. Then told myself this is normal and I am not psychotic. At least, I think not. Lest you think Kevin did not help (he didn't) he couldn't, as the child was screeching to be fed yet again, not caring that it would cause more reflux and vomiting. But, eventually at 11 pm he let me sleep and he slept until 3 am. I even woke at 1:30 wondering why he wasn't wanting to eat or wasn't fussing yet. My arm was quite numb and stiff (as he slept in the crook of it on my pillow) but I had 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep, so I didn't care.

My days, are not my own anymore. Even with Kian, I could still carve out a lot of "me time" because he wanted to play with daddy or do his own thing, or was napping. I knew that Karter would be different than Kian, his in utero antics proved that a long time ago. I/we were spoiled with Kian, he was essentially the perfect, text-book baby. And that is why the first is so; so that couples will go on to have more and continue reproducing I believe. There's a lot of needing and demanding and whining and crying going on lately. Some has been from me.

I was slightly disillusioned, ignoring what I knew to be true, and tried to believe that Kian would adjust perfectly and this would be easy. I knew it wouldn't, and I'm finding out just how not easy it is. (It isn't?) The routine helps us a lot. It helps me to not stay in pajamas all day and be lazy, letting Kian take over (ahem, trash) the house. It helps me get things done and it manages our time much better, scheduling meals and naps and outings. I feel better when I get things done. I am a list maker and a list checker. I have a need to accomplish and complete things to feel that I haven't wasted a day. To feel I actually did something. And I like feeling that I'm keeping the house clean, teaching my child things, making things with him and just having a handle on all things children, house and husband.

Now that we're on somewhat of a routine I am starting to incorporate some workout time for me. Kevin is good about letting me have that time, as working out/exercising is his passion obviously. Kian can even come down and jump on the mini trampoline or play with toys down in the basement while i run on the treadmill. And it feels great. I've been asked how I can workout, isn't it boring, isn't it time consuming, isn't it icky sweating, etc. Yes, it's all those things! But, feeling that burn afterwards, knowing I'm doing something good for my body, and having that time on the treadmill to think whatever I want to think (about things besides baby poop and potty time and what's for dinner, adult thoughts, deep thoughts, or shallow, whatever I want thoughts!) is priceless. And I love that.

Squeezing in me time and some hobbies that I had done before is definitely helping my sanity. It makes it easier to deal with the fussing and misbehaving children. While, this is exactly what I want to be doing right now, it doesn't mean it's not hard. But, giving in to what I want sometimes makes me feel like me again, not just mommy. And of course that includes time to focus on just Kevin as well, to keep the us part good too. I don't want to lose me in the mommy.

No comments: