First, I gotta be okay with me

I sometimes describe myself as a "former people pleaser", because I thought I'd outgrown that and moved beyond that. But, lately it's rearing it's ugly head. In different ways this time, like my parenting and relationships with my kids, etc. I had these feelings when Kian was first born, that I was not doing things "right" and was intimidated. It didn't last too long that time, as I did what I/we felt was appropriate and people gave me that "new mom pass". However, this time I feel more judged and scrutinized having a second one and not doing things "by the book" (wow I've used quotations way too much already!).

I've been feeling like I don't have as many friends, especially that are moms, to connect with. I know a lot of the things I do and believe in turn people off, scare them away or, as I've found out, make them angry. Hmm... I do a lot of natural things, attachment parent-y things, but yet are not quite in line with that group because I have stricter tendencies and discipline differently, and that turns them off. I scare the mainstream parents off because I do have more relaxed rules about certain things, I hold my kids too much, I wear my babies, I don't vaccinate, I don't let them cry it out, etc. etc. etc.

Lately with Karter's constant nursing and interesting schedule I've been feeling like I've failed somehow, that I'm doing something wrong, that I should be doing more to "get it under control". I was emailing and asking people of all categories for advice, trying to pinpoint a medical thing, something, anything, because clearly if my baby was waking up every 2 hours and needing to nurse either I overindulge him, he or I have a medical issue, I need to be stricter, I'm not relaxed enough, I don't let his needs dictate my life enough, I don't hold him enough, something, right?

Wrong. Finally. A woman on my email group sent me this quote, after letting me know she had three boys that nursed round the clock for the first 6 months: "What other people think of you, is none of your business". At first, I was like, yeah that's good. But, then I really thought of it more and more yesterday. Why should I care? That's just another people-pleasing way I wanted to get rid of! I will never regret holding and rocking my babies, but I will regret listening to them scream it out in their cribs. I will never regret nursing them in the night and rocking them, when they're 16 and want nothing to do with me. I will never regret making them giggle and having a baby snuggled on my chest, sucking his thumb and playing with my hair, but I might regret putting him in a swing or exersaucer just so I can type this blog. =) (for the record, he's on my lap).

And each of us, will have our own ways, our own things we don't want to regret, or feel is important, and that's okay. If it works for me, my kids, my family, then it is right. No matter how wrong it might look to someone else. And, I'm okay with that. So, I'm going to stop looking for reasons and answers for the phase that Karter is going through. He will outgrow it. Tonight and next week I still might be up every 2-3 hours, but for now, I'm okay with that. I might be tired, but I'm okay with it.

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